Most often I try to take things in stride and not let those little things bug me and, sure, where I’ll gripe and moan about stuff here every now and again, it’s usually intended all in jest.  I’m generally a pretty happy dude.  Now having said this, I also won’t deny that I have been feeling rather irritable lately and I’m feeling the specific need to release a little of this pent up pressure I’m experiencing before I inadvertently go all bat-shit crazy and end up acting like someone whose cheese has definitely slipped off its cracker, if you know what I mean.  Besides, it’s fun to be an Internet douche from time to time right?

So, without further ado, here are the people and circumstances that have struck that particular ‘Asshole Chord’  with me this week:

1.  To those who attend the Brick class but either spin easy the whole time or simply walk during the run intervals: why are you here?  I realize that everybody has as much right as everybody else to reserve a bike at the local YMCA in order to participate in the weekly Brick class and, ultimately, we are all responsible for the kind of effort we put into the class but when there are other triathletes and cardio-fiends alike looking to have their asses kicked, getting shut out altogether so you can just toodle away the 90 minutes like Mary Poppins riding her bike through the park?  That’s just bullshit.  Go occupy one of the other spin bikes on the gym floor instead and pedal until your heart’s content, leave the hard workouts to those who are looking to actually benefit from it.  And that goes to the person who consistently leaves 45 minutes into the class.  Hey, thanks for spoiling someone else’s intended Interval workout for the day simply because you’re too pussy to handle it.

The point of a Brick class is to develop leg strength, improve your aerobic and anaerobic conditioning, as well as develop a degree of mental toughness and that’s not accomplished by pedaling like a sissy schoolgirl and then strolling around the track like you’re window shopping in a Parisian marketplace.  Giv’er or go home.

2.  To that person in line who takes forever ordering his coffee: I have a theory – the longer it takes you to order your coffee, the bigger the pretentious dipshit you are by proportion.  It’s COFFEE  with whatever you want in it; not rocket science.  Make up your friggin’ mind already!  There are those of us who have been either in the pool since 6:00am  or have just completed a century ride that are ready to judo-chop you in the Adam’s Apple if you’re going to keep us from the very thing we’ve been looking forward to and fantasizing about for the last few hours or so.

That’s the whole benefit of waiting in line, so you can clearly make up your simple, innocuous mind over which hot beverage you think would best behoove you on that particular occasion.  That way, when you get to the barrista you are ready to confidently present your order willfully and articulately and not hold the rest of us from carrying on with our day.  Seriously, can you not read plain English on the menu boards or something, or are you just lost in space?  Get a move on!

3.  To the girl who insists on free-styling her way through yoga class doing whatever she pleases: I notice you already, so can we get back to the program?  Yes, you’re very cute, definitely, and you have immense yoga skills, which is very evident in the way you can bend backwards and touch the back of your skull to your heels, but when you constantly do your own thing you’re throwing the rest of all off who are trying hard to concentrate on following along with the instructor so that don’t accidentally paralyze ourselves.  That’s why I attend class – to learn and improve – not have my ego totally busted by a classroom show-off.  It’s a wonder I can twist in certain directions as it is without snapping my spine, so you’re not helping build my confidence any.  Seriously, if you want to do your own thing, stay home and practice there.

And while I’m at it, for all you “Chatty-Cathy’s”  who insist on talking all through the class, would you mind buttoning it up for two minutes?  I don’t mind the odd comment and all as, hey, I’m quite often an offender myself, but I definitely don’t care to hear all about your past Friday night while I’m trying to center myself during class either, thank you.  And for the record, a yoga studio is NOT  the place to bring a cell phone either.  Geez!

4.  To the inconsiderate dipshit on the treadmill beside me who farts the entire way through his workout:  seriously, dude?  You fucking reek.  Period.  I understand that sometimes when you run you may experience random gastronomical issues – hell, farts happen and nobody know that’s better than me – but that also doesn’t give you license to drop air éclairs all over the place.  And we’re not talking about the “Oops, I can’t believe that I let that one slip ha ha”  kind of farts either, but more the “Oh my fucking god I have to take a huge shit”  kind of fart.  Not acceptable.  I would happily have kept a tear-filled eye on your treadmill while you quickly left for a moment to vacate your crap-packed bowels and therefore spare me some clean, non-toxic air with which to breathe comfortably for the rest of my workout.  But, no, I guess you would prefer to chance my passing out from asphyxiation at the hands of your noxious odour rather than take even minute away from your slow warm-up jog to unclog your pipes like a sensible person.  Thanks.

5.  To the old gaffer who insists on breast-stroking down the middle of the Fast  lane at the pool:  Get a grip…you’re even slower than the old ladies in the Slow  lane, so don’t get pissed off at me when I kick past you every 30 seconds.  They have those lane markers for a reason you know, and just because you’ve probably been swimming at this pool before water was even a trace element, that doesn’t mean you get to fuck up everybody else’s workout.  Seriously, you’re slower than duck snot in February and it’s called “Pool Etiquette”  for a reason you tool.  Swim in the proper lane!

And for the love of God, trim those yellowed talons you have for toenails before you sever somebody’s carotid artery with that lame-ass whip-kick of yours.

6.  To the muscley behemoth who likes to occupy either all the free weights, or multiple machines at the same time:  dude, can I work in somewhere?  I appreciate your imminent awesomeness n’ all, but, seriously?  I didn’t see your name in neon above the gym as I walked in, so how about letting some of us lowly gym peons use the equipment as well?  At the very least, maybe I can get a set (or a dozen) in while you’re busy staring at yourself and flexing your ginormous biceps in the mirror for the next half hour.  What’ya say, Sport?

And while I’m on the topic, how about putting all that shit back when you’re done too.  I mean, for the rest of us weaklings, we’d practically need a dump truck to move it all back to the proper area.  So do us the favor and include putting the weights back as part of your ‘warm down’  or whatever, your Hugeness.  Cheers.  Oh, and would it kill you to towel off the bench where you’ve been rubbing that sweaty, pimply back of yours all over the place please?

7.  To the Emo girl who insists on wearing that ridiculously small, holey spandex outfit to the gym: honestly, who are you trying to impress?  Because from where I’m sitting all the way over here across the room on my bench, all I can see is pubes poking out from all those worn holes.  Gross.  It looks like you have Lenny Kravitz in a leg lock.  I’m not asking you to put on some ridiculously expensive brand name designer outfit or anything, but something where I can’t immediately make out the outlines of your untamed pubic forest would be nice.

Where I appreciate your whole ’oh, woe is me’  sense of fashion, please spare me the gratuitous snatch shots, okay?  Once it’s been spotted, it’s rather like tearing your eyes away from the scene of a gnarly accident and it totally deters me from continuing on with my workout.  Nasty!

Okay, I feel somewhat depressurized now; maybe even a little vindicated.  Perhaps now that I’ve blown off a little steam I can once again get back on track with being my normal happy-pappy triathlete wannabe self.  On with the show…

In this same regard, lane swimming is very similar in that it too requires a strict code of rules and etiquette to adhere to in order to coexist peacefully and safely, and not have your local pool erupt into Waterworld-like madness.  Having to spend a significant amount of time in the pool this training season, I have become very sensitive, if not outright irritable, at some other swimmers for not making (or understanding) the ‘let’s just try and get along’  attitude in their respective lanes leading so some rather awkward moments which I refer to as “Swim Rage”.

Where I’ll admit that I’m more a ‘one lane/one swimmer’  kind of guy, I also understand that expecting this to actually happen would be to live in a complete Fantasy World.  So without further ado, I am offering these commonly accepted lane swimming etiquette pointers in an attempt to have everyone on the same page so we can all have an effective and enjoyable workout without having to go all ‘Mortal Kombat’  on another.

1.        Choose the correct lane.

Usually, each lane has been marked as either ‘Fast’, ‘Medium’ or ‘Slow’ and are marked accordingly for a reason.  So, decide on which lane best suits your swim speed…no ‘if’s’, ‘and’s’  or ‘but’s’  about it.  Just because when you swam there yesterday and were able to swim in the fastest lane, it doesn’t mean that will be the case the next day, so assess who is already there and position yourself correctly.  Sure we all want to feel like Michael Phelps sprinting it out in the ‘Fast’ lane but, if there are other faster swimmers already there, so suck it up and take it to the appropriate ‘Medium’ lane instead, Popeye.

There is nothing more aggravating than having your sprint intervals interrupted by some jackass who decides that he would rather breast stroke his way down the ‘Fast’ lane rather than share the ‘Slow’ lane with the old lady.  Seriously, dude?  We’re not going to think any differently about you; hell, I work out with the old birds myself from time to time when I’m just warming down or stretching out after a workout.   Besides, maybe grandma would appreciate the added push to her own workout.

2.        Always swim on the right.

Just as you would on the road in your car, always swim down the lane on the right hand side.  We do not live in the U.K. or Australia, so leave the left hand lane open for either oncoming traffic – this is called ‘Circular Swim’  and is intended to avoid unnecessary collisions while swimming.  It’s not rocket science.

3.       Pass at the wall

This is a touchy subject and will definitely warrant a lot of discussion at your next post-workout coffee get-together as there are a lot of differing opinions on how and when to pass slower swimmers during a lane swim as passing is simply inevitable, particularly during long distance sets.   One popular belief is that you pass in the center of the lane when you have the “opportunity” to do so, making sure to speed up in order to pass as fast as possible before pulling over in front of the passee.  Likewise, the passee in this scenario slows down slightly to enable the passer to get by as quick as possible. Yeah, I don’t like this practice very much as if the lane is full, then there will always be oncoming traffic; then it’s more like trying to pass a large truck on a busy throughway and that’s pretty nerve-wracking.  So I personally subscribe to another method where passing is to be done at the wall.  Here’s how it works:

• Passer: Gently taps feet of Passee. (Passer may tap twice just to verify his intention and not an accidental collision)
• Passee: At the next turn (wall), pulls over to the Right Corner and stops.
• Passer: Makes flip turn at Left Corner of wall.
• Passee: Starts swimming again, behind the Passer.

That sounds pretty easy right? That way you don’t have to deal with on-coming traffic at all and we can all co-exist peacefully in tandem to one another.

4.       Turning at the wall

In general, when ‘circle swimming’; swimmers should make their turns at the Left Corner  of the lane. As soon as the swimmer ahead of you finishes his turn and goes by, you should swim towards the center of the lane, make your turn to the left of the cross on the wall, and push off on what is now the right-hand side of the lane.  If everyone does their turns this way, we will avoid crashing in to each other.

5.       Resting

With regards to resting in between sets on the wall in the middle of swims, swimmers should hang on the wall in the Right Corner  of the lane. This will allow the other swimmers to continue to make their turns in the Left Corner without interference.  Also, when finishing your swims, be sure to finish as far to the left as possible so that the swimmers behind you have some room to your right to finish as well and they don’t end up with their head up your ass.

There is nothing more annoying during my morning swims when the old dudes gather at the end of the wall to conduct their morning constitutionals* with one another.  Hey, that’s why there’s an ‘Open Swim’  area to do that kind of stuff where you can just bob around with your pool noodle and talk about last night’s hockey game, or the restoration on your bathroom suite, or whatever.  I’m trying to swim here fellas so I can get to work, so kindly move your ass out of my ‘Fast’ lane and let me do what I need to get done, will ya?

6.      Borrowing pool equipment

Fortunately, my local pool provided most things that I need to successfully complete 80%  of my workouts, namely a ‘pull buoy’ and kick board.  They are available to anyone and are located in a huge plastic box in the equipment area at the far end of the pool.  So why is it then that, every now again, after I’ve left these things at the end of my lane and I go to grab one of them to begin my next set, they’re suddenly gone?  Are their pool fairies around stealing and hiding my equipment or something? Of course not!  Most often, they have been taken by another swimmer who has picked them up instead of going to fetch their own from the designated boxes I mentioned.  Maybe they didn’t know they were there to begin with, or maybe they did and were just too lazy, whatever, but geez man, couldn’t you at least ask first?  After all, would you grab somebody’s running shoes or spin shorts had you the opportunity?  Shit no!  So how is ‘borrowing’ somebody’s pool equipment without asking any different?

Likewise, be a sport and return the equipment after you’ve finished your workout, huh?  No one likes to begin their swim workout with a scavenger hunt around the pool area to find the necessary equipment.

7.       Trim those goddamn toenails!

Yes, I know, I’m sure I’ve brought this up before.  This is a huge bee in my bonnet so to speak as this, for me, is absolutely crucial for a successful swim workout.  Besides providing you with a huge drag effect in the water (I jest, of course) no one looks forward to the risk of having their jugular vein severed by Grandpa Moses and his gnarly yellowed, Velociraptor-like toe nails when they happened to get too close when passing.  Lord knows I’ve had some close calls myself as I tried passing some breast-strokers; all the more reason to pass at the wall if you ask me.

Given the potential close proximity of your feet to someone else’s head why wouldn’t you want to exercise some sort of basic foot care?  I can’t swim in a suit of protective armor, so for fuck sakes, get out the nail clippers and trim those suckers back, Godzilla.

* I use this term to refer to an idle chit-chat, not taking a dump.  God knows that’s a whole other pool etiquette thing.

I will admit that when I first got into yoga last year it was with a little trepidation.  “Will I have to wear leotard?”, “Are they going to make me chant?”, “Are the girls all going to laugh at me?”  so on and so forth; I stressed about it all.  Primarily, I wondered if it was going to provide me with the type of He-man core strength conditioning I was so desperate to find in my training program.  As it turned out, the answer was a resounding ‘Yes!’  to nearly all these questions: I have taken to wearing stretchy shorts, I do chant ‘OM’  periodically in class, and, yes, I’m sure the girls have shared a giggle (or two) over my lack of dexterity or flexibility from time to time as well…and, yes, I am also now finding that He-man strength too.

Myth #1:  Yoga is dangerous.

This whole recent questioning came from a recent New York Times article, entitled ‘How Yoga Can Wreck Your Body’ (click HERE to read the article) which indicated that regular yoga practitioners are just as prone to injury as any other physical practice – maybe even more so.  Really?  The article goes on to list several examples of extreme and painful injuries that were directly contrived by participating in regular yoga classes.

This was, at first, rather shocking to me since one of the first major attractions for yoga initially was its being able to assist me with my ‘recovery strategy’, so the thought of placing myself directly in harm’s way was not a welcome one.   But much of this makes sense and I do realize that yoga is now being cited by doctors, therapists and physicians as an easy means by which to cure a whole multitude of ailments, from curing back pain to lowering blood pressure.  If I had 25 cents from each person who told me that they had been recommended to take up yoga as a means of staving off some other physical or chemical malady, shit, I could open my own Ashram on the moon.  And this is all well and good, but if these doctors told them to strip naked, smear themselves with mayonnaise and dance by the light of a full moon…would they do it as well?

Like anything else, yoga can injure.  It’s true.  So there is some truth base to this myth, but to dismiss it altogether as just another dangerous practice is ludicrous.  Like any discipline, yoga is something that needs to be learned and coached effectively and safely.  The overabundance of wannabe yogis lately has definitely created an influx of self-proclaimed yoga gurus all racing to be the next Baron Baptiste, it’s true, but anyone who simply walks into a yoga studio and suddenly expects to contort themselves into a pretzel just because some dipshit in a pink bandana and ponytail tells them to is simply mad.  Personally, the more egocentric and blindly astute the yoga teacher is, the less likely I am to join their class.  Instead I seek out ‘real’ people, those without ego who I trust to guide me safely through a series of asanas and who will always encourage me to ‘stop’  as much they do to ‘try something new’.

Knowing your body and your limitations is absolute key in anything you do, whether it’s weight-lifting, triathlon, yoga or even bowling for fuck sakes, whatever it is…do it correctly and while using proper form.  Knowing proper form comes with practice, study and guidance, not by listening to some moron on an ultimate ego trip.  I may not be the most graceful, bendy or

So choose your studio carefully and at all costs, practice smart.  Will yoga help with your sciatic back pain?  Maybe.  Will yoga help your asthma?  Possible.  Will yoga help alleviate your chronic depression?  Perhaps.  But whatever the chances are, don’t lose sight of what yoga is just because you are desperate to find a cure-all for whatever it is you’ve been stricken with – it’s physical exercise and needs to be respected as such.

Myth #2:  Yoga is easy.

I’ve been scoffed at, politely mocked and teased by my guy friends at the gym, training peers and even family members for the past year over this issue.  Yoga is for sissies.  “I thought you wanted to be an Ironman?”, “I thought you were trying to develop muscle strength?”  Ah, yeah…I am.  Thanks.

Yoga is not for sissies; far from actually.  As reporter Grant LaFleche (click HERE to read the article) found out at my local YBS studio this past week, yoga is actually quite challenging…but in a good way.  What LaFleche discovered, by the sounds of it, is that your favorite MMA superstar has nothing on an 80lb  girl in when it comes to physical conditioning.  Sure, she will not exactly rain down with hammer blows and look to submit you with a guillotine, but she will inevitably hold her Warrior III long after your legs begin to tremble and quake like licorice whips.  Of course, the antagonist in me also likes to think: “Oh yeah, let’s strap a 60lb bag of potatoes to her back and see how well she fares”.  But that wouldn’t be very nice, would it?

But strength is pretty subjective.  Her muscles are perfectly suited for holding and supporting her unique and infinitely prettier body mass.  We dudes, having a larger, bulkier frame, need more muscle and core strength to hold up our manly girth, and – believe me here – that takes some serious time and effort.  So comparing yourself to the other girls in class is rather futile and counter-productive.  I learned a long time ago never to watch what others are doing and just focus on what’s going happening on my own matt (usually a combination of thoughts including cheeseburgers, milkshakes and monkeys on rollerskates).  They say “there is no ego in yoga”  for a reason.

Now, regular yoga aside, the Hot Vinyasa yoga is the mother of all workouts.  Besides providing your muscles with that straight up, ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners workout, it’s also assisting you with that mental toughness conditioning that is important in just about any competitive sport or activity.  I’ve said it once before and I’ll say it again: ‘hot yoga is endurance for the mind’.

So if anybody ever wants to maintain that yoga is, in some way, for wimps…I invite you to any 60 minute hot yoga class, or other yoga class for that matter.  Don’t let the older ladies deter you; they’ll be easily twisting themselves and balancing in positions that would cripple you just as easily.  Likewise, you’ll probably discover muscles that you didn’t even know you had.  Stock up on the Bengay, Tarzan.  Trust me.

Myth #3: Yoga is just a trend.

It’s not hard to figure out where this myth comes from, what with all the current and often odd practices currently being offered nowadays.  Among the usual yoga styles available, one can now pretty easily find Couples Yoga, Naked Yoga, Laughing Yoga, Hip Hop Yoga, Aerial Yoga, Paddleboard Yoga, Yoga for Foodies, Christ, there’s even Doga now…that’s right, yoga for your dog.  Shit, look hard enough and you’ll likely find a new type of yoga for every day of the month and never have to go back to the same studio twice.  So I guess there is some truth to this myth, but this is no Billy Blanks Tai-Bo shit either I assure you.  Yoga is definitely here to stay.

Trend is defined as:

• A fad
• A fashion
• A popular style or vogue usually for only a short interim

But this isn’t really accurate given that, historically, yoga has been around in principle for nearly 5000 years.  That’s long before Christ; long before Buddha; and definitely long before Zumba.  Here in North America, yoga was only introduced in 1893 by Swami Vivekananda who spoke at the Parliament of Religions.  Since then, of course, yoga has received numerous make-overs.  But, prior to that, yoga was primarily a preparation practice to ready the body for seated meditation.   However, in the 1970’s and 1980’s, Americans became obsessed with looking good.  Thank you, Jane Fonda!  Suddenly, there was a mad rush for diet pills, Richard Simmons and Jack LaLanne ‘Power Juicers’.  Around this time yoga became unhinged from its Indian lineage and Americans started branding their own sequences and opening studios willy-nilly.   Of course, all of the original founders of these American brands had only the highest intentions. They had all gone to India, studied with renowned gurus, worn giant palazzo pants and had practiced and taught for many, many years before developing their own unique styles and brands.

But enough of the history lesson; I’m not in it to achieve any spiritual awareness or ultimate enlightenment here, I’m in it for results; pure, old-fashioned, un-adulterated results.  So what has this “trend” taught me you ask?  For starters, yoga has taught me how to breathe, improve my focus, and maybe most importantly, it is teaching me patience.  All these things have been integral to my own Ironman training and largely the reason why I have done as well as I have.  I have learned how to breathe through periods of discomfort, gained confidence through maintaining a focus on the task at hand, and staved off injury so far, largely thanks to having the patience and common sense to spend time developing a successful ‘recovery strategy’ involving effective, educated stretching.  And yeah, yeah, there is that physical He-man aspect to it as well, tough guy.

Now, if that’s all achieved through merely participating in something regarded as ‘trendy’, then paint my nails and call me ‘Paris’.

If I had the opportunity to add to this list I would definitely add:

1. “I hear that’s how Crowie does it…”
2. “Yeah, today was my only ‘LSD Day’…”
3. “I’m focusing on my ‘Recovery Strategy’…”
4. “I upgraded my bento box because this one is more aero…”"
5. “…and then I totally dropped the hammer.”
6. “My quads are so blown.”
7. “How many hills did you do?”
8. “What kind of mileage are you up to now?”
9. “I don’t like kicking drills in the pool because I want to save my legs for the run.”
10. “I’m only doing 10k because today’s my easy day.”
11. “I just pee on the bike…”
12. “I need to carbo-load for my race tomorrow…”
13. “Did you know that Chrissie does yoga?”
14. “Can you see my ass through these bib shorts?”
15. “Today is just an easy tempo day…”

For the past two months I have been developing a winter training strategy with my coach that is possible to follow throughout then week given the other things I enjoy and need to accomplish, like spending time with the girlfriend and other family and friend-related shit.  Last year, being single and not specifically committed to anything or anyone in particular apart from my own selfish needs, it was definitely much easier to plan out all my weekly workouts; but now there are others to consider as well.  But this is a good thing, and it definitely doesn’t make the ultimate challenge any less possible, albeit, maybe just a little more difficult to execute perhaps.  However, I think I have finally found a good weekly formula to see me through the next few months that enables me to train properly as well as get in all the necessary mileage prior to all my 2012 events.  To this effect, I now give you ‘Maximum Suckage’:

Monday:  Yoga / Run (Speed) / Weights

Last year, the week started off in the pool.  This year, it starts off on the track (or treadmill if the weather is either too dangerous or shitty).  Part of fitness goals for 2012 (linked above) is to better my time at the half marathon (1:47:05)  and 30k (2:39:04)  distances, as well as my Half Iron time in Welland so I need to plan accordingly and make sure I’m getting some speedwork in there somewhere.  I may not have been well designed for going fast, nor am I any great Kenyan marathoner, but I’m going to give it my best in slipping under these benchmarks and that means practicing going fast.  These are not the kind of workouts that I particularly enjoy, but I am all about going hard or going home so I will suck it up and get ‘er done come Hell or high water.  Afterwards, however, I get to look forward to nice, slow weights session focusing on both my upper and lower body muscle building.  Likewise, I’m going to begin working towards that ‘Push-Up Challenge’ I started last year but never accomplished; I’m close, but still have some conditioning to do.

Furthermore, it will also be my goal to attend as many morning yoga classes as possible, Monday through Friday, in order to keep me flexible and functioning at 100% and, hopefully, injury-free.

Tuesday: Easy Run / Yoga / Bike / Swim

Tuesday is ‘Maximum Suck’ Day starting off with an easy run for 60-75  minutes in the early morning prior to getting into the yoga class to stretch out properly and recover.  I’ve never been a morning person, but it will be necessary once or twice in the week in order to accomplish my required mileage.  This run is not intended to be difficult, but rather an opportunity to simply get out and get the legs working; perhaps enjoy the quiet solitude of the dawn without having to battle traffic or navigate busy intersections, partake in some deep thoughts or just mentally doze off with some good tunes.

Later that evening, it’s on the trainer at home for either an easy, or tempo spin for up to 2-3  hours at a time.  Having already used my legs once that day, this is my equivalent of an ‘easy brick’ workout to begin getting the legs accustomed to working while slightly fatigued.  This intensity will increase significantly come springtime, but right now I’m just facilitating that ‘muscle memory’ that I will draw on later in the season.  So far, I am working through the BBC’s ‘Planet Earth’ series as well as Season One of ‘Storage Wars’ to pass the time.

Afterwards, it’s off the pool for the last workout of the day.  I am lucky to have a swim coach this year who is allowing me to join him through a series of drills and pool workouts designed to help me perfect my swim technique.  So there’s going to be lots of exhausting kick, stroke and breathing drills to finish off an already exhausting day.  On the average, we’re covering anywhere between two and three kilometers distance-wise and I receive lots of feedback to focus on during my other swim workouts.

All in all, this is a 4-5  hour training day and we’re only just getting started!  Oi vay!

Wednesday: Yoga / Run (Tempo or Hills)

Back to more running again, only this time with the focus on either tempo work or hills.  For my tempo drills I have a regular 9.5k course with minimal intersections or other reasons to slow down or stop that I can use then to gauge my progress time-wise.  On other occasions, I will partake in some challenging hill runs to build my efficiency at tackling this kind of course as, unfortunately, there are going to be lots of challenging hills in my future events – ‘Around the Bay’ and Ironman Wales specifically.  Suck it up, Buttercup!

Thursday: Swim / Yoga / Brick

It’s another long day indeed, beginning with an early morning swim workout from my all-exalted swim training bible.  The focus now will be on Endurance, Speed and Form specifically, ranging anywhere from three to four kilometers in distance.  These are not fun workouts but, rather, long and mentally tedious while doing your best to avoid the other swimmers (post to follow in the near future)  that might happen to get in the way.

In the evening, it’s into the spin studio to have my ass handed to me by ‘Coach Bill’.  Bill has been kicking my ass for the past three years since I first decided to embark on this whole triathlon crazy train.  He isn’t afraid to push me well and beyond my comfort zones for 90 minutes at a time, and since the YMCA has upgraded their spin bikes to include power meters that read your overall wattage; his Brick workouts have come to closer resemble medieval torture sessions.  He’s not trying to condition our muscular and aerobic capacities so much as he’s trying to extract information.  Regardless, this is the kind of mental toughness conditioning required to compete in triathlon and I credit Bill and these style of workouts for a significant portion of my success in previous years.

Friday: Hot Yoga / Weights

Friday is my official ‘Recovery Day’…thank Christ!  However, I don’t really have ‘Off Days’  anymore; instead, I take ‘Active Recovery Days’.  On this day I will spend some time doing some leisurely weights at the gym with a magazine before heading over to YBS for a Hot Yoga class.

Saturday:  Long Run

This is my “LSD Day”, and, No!  I’m not referring to any psychedelic Timothy Leary nonsense either; I’m referring to ‘Long Slow Distance’  (even though I attempt to do them more at pace these days).  This is true running mileage day.  I increase my mileage each week by 10%  starting with 16k  way back in December.  My usual distances now are anywhere between 18.5  and 25  kilometers, depending on the week.  Right now, these are all being conducted on fresh legs, but come springtime, I will begin running all these LSD  jaunts on fatigued legs after my long bike rides.  Goodie.

Sunday:  Masters Swim / Bike / Core / Coffee

Rounding out the week is my early morning Masters Swim class with my TryForce buddies.  It’s a 60  minute workout with on-deck Coaches putting us through our paces with carefully designed workouts to improve out form, speed and over all endurance.  There is also the opportunity here to receive an added little push from your peers swimming in the same lane as you and, although I hate getting up at 5:30am, I do enjoy this friendly camaraderie.

Afterwards, we immediately adjourn to the spin studio for a 45  minute Interval spin session to practice the swim-bike transition followed by a 20 minute core workout lead by other members of the TryForce team (yours truly included), so, it’s lots of crunches, planks and various abdominal torture routines to close out the week.  Luckily, there’s always Starbucks afterwards.

So I was having a bit of a hard time motivating myself getting out the door this past Wednesday, when fate decided to intervene and lucky for me that it did.  It was a cold and windy evening to be sure; the kind of weather that would have most polar bears camped out in front of the fireplace warming their paws.  However, my coach (being the task master that she is) also had me scheduled for a 45-60 minute ‘hill workout’ – fabulous!  But with the extreme temperatures going on that night, not to mention the fatigue still creeping in after Tuesday’s triad of punishment (1 hour run, 2 hour tempo ride, and an hour speed pool workout), well, let’s just say it was tempting to stay in and watch Steven Tyler eye-pork all the female contestants on American Idol instead.  But, again, that’s where fate stepped in.

This whole thing came together on Wednesday morning when I noticed that another friend, who has recently gotten into this whole mad running thing as well, posted to her Facebook page that she also had a hill workout planned with her running group for that evening.  Always the glutton for information and new training locations, I matter-of-factly messaged her inquiring about the location at which her group had planned to train.  Coincidentally, it was precisely where I had planned to run myself, up and down Mountain Rd. and Bradley Str. in Merritton.   What were the chances?  Then she dropped the bomb:  “want to join us?”

I will admit that it was with a little trepidation that I agreed to join this particular running group but, ultimately, I’m really glad I did.  You see, I’m one of those “solo” runners.  The type that views his run workouts as a chance to get inside his head and flush things out, whether they be happy thoughts, dark thoughts, or whatever else that happens to be sloshing around inside there.  In fact, this entire blogsite is largely a collection of those random mind droppings.  So running with others, apart from my coach, almost never enters my brain for serious consideration.  Furthermore, her running group also happened to be with the local branch of the Running Room.

Now, before anyone gets their running shorts all in a twist, I do appreciate and support the whole John Stanton community-based business model and I’ve participated in some of their events and even had the good fortune to take a pre-race whiz beside him at last years ‘Around the Bay 30k’ event, but let’s just say I’m not necessarily an admirer of the stores prices for shoes, shirts, as well as all the other “nice to have but totally not necessary”  trinkets and gizmos that I see other new runners falling victim into purchasing as crucial gear (I happen to be a minimalist runner); running is ‘big business’ it seems.  But, regardless, I was also a bit worried that I wasn’t going to find the quality of workout that I require with my own current Ironman training schedule.  But I also pledged this year (well, last year really…but I’m a slow starter) to spend more time encouraging others to successfully accomplish their own goals, so I agreed to give it a whirl.

Thankfully, I couldn’t have been more wrong about the quality of workout.  Amongst the half marathon group that I happened to join that evening there was a real mixed bag of athletes, from accomplished and seasoned distance runners to first-timer house wives; all just as determined to give it what for on the hills.  Everyone was encouraged to go at ‘their own pace’ while tackling the assigned workout.  Still being a bit in the dark as to everyone’s particular fitness level, I decided to join the slower runners in the back during the warm up and then quietly assess who I was running with and at what pace I should attack the workout since no one likes a show off, right?

The assigned group workout went something like this:  5 x “large hill”  @ tempo pace followed by 5 x “short hill”  @ sprint pace.  Whatever, my own ‘plan’ was to run hills until either everyone else in the group was done, or until I puked up a lung (which, thankfully, didn’t happen).  In the end, I managed to accomplish nearly 7 sets of the larger hill at a faster than normal tempo pace, where I practiced chasing down the other runners in the lead (because I love chasing), and then 13 sets of the short hill (10 of my own, and another 3 simply to encourage the others).

All in all, I really enjoyed myself.  I liked the feeling of assisting others and providing that added encouragement to keep going as I remember well that feeling of ‘what the fuck am I doing?’ that begins to cloud your judgment after a while.  Perhaps in the future, once my own Ironman adventure has been completed come September, I will even look into leading one of these running groups myself with the Running Room.  What the hell.

Misery loves company.

Enjoy.

Yup, it was cold one…damn cold.  So cold that I had frostbite across my chest, the sweaty in my toque had frozen it my head and my penis had practically retracted itself completely into my inguinal canal.  Yeah, believe me, that’s more than a bit unsettling when you undress afterwards, let me tell you.  But I did accomplish my 21.1k  goal in the end though despite these challenges…well, just shy of it actually, but that was just a poor planning issue on my part really.  Regardless, there was still a whole lot of “think happy thoughts…think happy thoughts…”  going through my mind today, particularly after the first 10-12k or so.

So what did I think about to keep myself nice and warm, not to mention moving, today?  Why last night’s ‘Hot Yoga Groove’  class at YBS of course!  Hey, desperate times and desperate temperatures call for drastic measures and if reflecting back on last night’s oven hot yoga class kept me going, then why not?  Besides, last night was not just any typical Friday ‘Hot Yoga Groove’  class, as I actually got to make the playlist myself!  And you KNOW how much I love making my playlists.

The deal was last night that I have had a long running joke with Catherine, the instructor, that funk would make a great soundtrack to an otherwise lively yoga class.  After all, how much Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera can one man take week after week anyway?  So the gauntlet was dropped (or the invite extended, however you want to spin it) and I was allowed to come up with last night’s playlist for the 70 minute hot yoga class.  How exciting!  So just in case anyone is interested to try the same – and even if you’re not, I don’t give two fig newtons really – here is the playlist that came up with for the class.  Now if these tracks don’t warm your cockles up on your next winter run, or elicit a sweaty reaction during your next yoga session, then I don’t know what will.

Movin’ On Up (Primal Scream) 4:02 – No, this is not the theme to The Jefferson’s; there’s no fish frying in the kitchen and there’s no beans burning on the grill here.  What there is just a whole lot of rhythmic awesomeness.  From the opening bongos to the boogie-woogie piano to the jangly guitars to the backing church choir there is just whole lot of reason to get your butt a-waggin’ during your first downward dog.  Besides, with a chorus that repeats:

I’m movin’ on up now
Getting out of the darkness
My light shines on
My light shines on
My light shines on

Well, it just screams yoga doesn’t it?

Also Sprach Zarathustra (Deodato) 8:54 – Here’s a dandy to get the blood flowing.  Basically, this long funkified version of the ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’  provides a nice, lengthy funkatastic build-up to really get things heated up and moving as you begin to work through your first series of Sun Salutations.

Green Onions, Hip-Hug-Her (Booker T. & the MG’s) 3:22/2:19 – Now that everybody’s warmed up and groovin’, it’s time to have some fun to some shorter, instrumental funky soul classics. Consider it something to bop along to while resting oneself in Pigeon Pose.

It’s your Thing (The Isley Bros.) 2:40 – It’s a little known fact that this particular influential funk anthem was written as a tribute to the rising feminist movement of the late 1960’s, so I thought I’d just toss it in and offer the opportunity to the girls in the class to let roar.  Of course, it came out as more of a long drawn out sigh of relief after coming out of holding Warrior III Pose  but, hey, you take what you can get, am I right?

25 Miles (Edwin Starr) 3:20 – With a quarter of the class now over, I figured it was time to throw a little Motown Magic in there to kick start everyone into overdrive.  This is one of my favorite tunes of all time and love to position it in my workouts, whether it be a long run, bike or whatnot, right around the start of beginning to find my pace in order to fuel some life into my limbs and get me a-hustlin’.  Why would hot yoga be any different?

I Want You Back (Jackson 5) 2:59 – Yeah, yeah, yeah…but at least it’s cool Michael Jackson long before the nose, Bubbles and the Conrad Murray debacle. You know, back when he was still a decent performer and not so much a media circus freak.  Anyhow, it’s a good high energy funky tune to keep things a groovin’ along at a decent pace now that things are definitely sweaty and growing more challenging by the second.

Son of a Preacher Man (Dusty Springfield) 2:28 – I thought that a little slinky Memphis funk would be appropriate right about now, so I tossed on a little Dusty Springfield to appeal to the largely feminine persuasion in the room.  Hey, seein’ as how everyone is all hot n’ bothered anyway…

Right Place, Wrong Time (Dr. John) 2:54 – Okay, hitting the halfway point now and the temperature has now easily risen higher than the advertised 100-degrees; time for a little added motivation with another pumping rhythm in order to get us through the next 30 minutes.  What to do, what to do…ah yes, Dr. John!  But although this may the right time, it’s definitely not the wrong time.

Everyday People (Sly & the Family Stone) 2:19 – Nothing could ever consider itself as ‘groovy’ unless it also included a little Sly & the Family Stone.  What can I say?  Rules are rules and I’m a law-abiding yogi.

Superfly (Curtis Mayfield) 3:53 – Don’t laugh.  Sure it’s from the soundtrack of the popular 1972 Blaxploitation flick directed by Gordon Parks, Jr., but remember, this was one of the few soundtracks to have ever outgrossed the actual film itself.  And it’s no wonder given the slick soul that literally oozes forth from Curtis himself, much like the sweat from my own leaky pores at this point.

Groove Me (King Floyd) 2:55 – Anything that starts off with “Uhh! Awww, sookie sookie now!  Hey! Oww, uhh! Come on, baby!”  is bound to be well-received in anything identifying itself with ‘groove’.  How can you go wrong?

Get Up (I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine (James Brown) 5:16 – I could hardly consider myself as a ’funk aficionado’ if I didn’t throw a little James Brown into the mix.  The only real threat here is that given we are all extremely hot and sweaty by now as we’re nearing the end of our class, would this funk classic send anyone totally over the top causing them to spontaneously combust in Wheel Pose?   Thankfully not!  It worthy of a mention here that during this particular track, I successfully completed my first full Wheel; not once, but twice!

Givin’ Up Food for Funk (The JB’s) 3:09 – It seemed only appropriate then that I follow up James Brown with another track by the same band that made him famous in the first place.  Some particularly vicious horns and a killer rhythm section here make for a particularly funky groove to be sure.  Now, I’m not likely to give up food for just about anything, however, right about now I’d give my eye teeth for a coconut water beverage to replace all my spent electrolytes.

The Golden Age (The Asteroids Galaxy Tour) 3:50 – Yes, I know, it’s the Heineken commercial.  Well, tough!  It’s also one of the catchier, more modern funk numbers by someone other than another weird Lady Gaga type of shit and, to me, that makes them pretty cool.  I also couldn’t help but notice a lot more rear ends wiggling (not that I notice these types of things mind you) during our last forward bends which leads me to believe that the others may have agreed.

Shaky Ground (Etta James) 3:21 – Etta has been making legions of soul and funk fans sweat for generations now, which makes her an amazing way to begin winding things down in a hot yoga class.  Originally a hit for the Temptations, Etta brings her own unique powerful feminine pizazz to our studio to close our last Supported Shoulder Stands.  And,  can’t speak for anyone else of course, but by this point in the class any stands of mine are bound to be on shaky ground making this a rather fitting track to finish up the class.

Sexual Healing (Marvin Gaye) 4:10 – Okay, sure, one might not automatically think of this super-sexy tune to be a fit, or appropriate for that matter, way to end out a hot yoga session in shavasana.   Well, to that I say: “Pfft!  Whatever!”   This might be my one and only chance of ever getting to play Marvin Gaye to a roomful of hot and sweaty girls and not have anything to explain to my girlfriend afterwards.  Capeesh?   And what guy wouldn’t ever jump at that opportunity?  No, I thought not.

Now, chances are that setting a hot yoga class to a funky soundtrack may not appeal to everyone, particularly those of you who are in it more for the more practical or meditative aspects.  So just in case you happen to subscribe to either of those particular no-nonsense yoga notions, perhaps you would more enjoy January’s asana from the 2012 ‘Yoga Kittens’  calendar I got for Christmas instead.

"Gentlemen, please put your paws together for CANDY!!"

There.  Happy now?

I’ve often wondered how I must appear to others while I’m out running; somewhere between a drunken transvestite running for the bus and a retarded orangutan I bet.  I mean, I’ve seen some extremely unflattering photos of myself from races and triathlons and they’re seldom, well, pretty.  I already know I’m not exactly the model of perfect running form but, really, how bad can I be?  Hopefully, I’m not as bad as the schmucks in this video.

Okay, for the record, I’m probably somewhere between ‘The Dandy’  and ‘The Stiffy’.  Thanks for bringing this to my attention, Courtney.

Now, despite that last nasty little mind nugget, the list of health benefits for asparagus is long and plentiful as it has just about a little of everything a budding Ironman-wannabe wants in his daily nutrition program.  In fact, asparagus has been prized as an epicurean delight and for its medicinal properties for almost 2000 years.  Various species of asparagus were cultivated by Egyptian cultures beginning as early as 3000 B.C., and by European cultures including early Greek and Roman cultures.  Asparagus also became particularly popular in France during the 18th century during the rule of Louis XIV.  In terms of commercial production, China (587,500 tons) and Peru (186,000 tons) are currently the world’s largest producers and exporters of asparagus.  Next in line as commercial producers are the United States (102,780 tons) and Mexico (67,247 tons), but it will also grow just as easily in your regular flower garden (it is actually a part of the lily family) at home as well.  And, THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is a lot of stinky pee.  But we’ll come to that later.

Asparagus is a perennial garden plant belonging to the Lily family (Liliaceae), and while approximately 300 varieties of asparagus have been noted, only 20 are edible.  While the most common variety of asparagus is green in color, two other edible varieties are readily available. White asparagus, with its more delicate flavor and tender texture, is grown underground to inhibit its development of chlorophyll content, therefore creating its distinctive white coloring which, I might add, I find a little too similar to the male genitalia to actually enjoy.  And although you can generally find it canned on any grocery store shelf, I would definitely recommend you get your asparagus fresh from the produce section where it is found nearly year-round and at relatively inexpensive prices…particularly if you ‘accidentally’ ring it in as, say, mushrooms.   The other edible variety of asparagus is purple in colour…but I have yet to find this anywhere.

So what are all these weighty health and nutritional benefits you ask?  Well, for starters, asparagus is a very low calorie vegetable.  A single fresh serving of 100g will only give you 20 calories.  More calories will be burnt to digest it than gained; a fact, which fits in to the category of low calorie or negative calorie vegetables.  Likewise, it is absolutely loaded with potassium which actually helps eliminate belly fat.  So for someone trying desperately to drop weight, such as myself, this makes asparagus the nearly perfect food – hands down.  Whether you roast it, boil it, stir-fry it, or just add it to your salads, whatever, you can eat it by the bushel full practically guilt-free.  How many foods can you say that about?

In addition, the shoots have good levels of dietary fiber.  Dietary fiber helps control constipation conditions, decrease bad, “LDL” cholesterol levels by binding to it in the intestines, and regulates blood sugar levels.  In addition, high fiber diet helps prevent colorectal cancer risks by preventing toxic compounds in the food from absorption.  In my opinion, anything that keeps me pooping correctly is a-okay in my books.  Likewise, its shoots have long been used in many traditional medicines to treat conditions like ‘dropsy’ and ‘irritable bowel syndrome’…two things you definitely don’t want to deal with during any of your workouts.

Another important health benefit to take into serious consideration is that fresh asparagus also contains fair amounts of anti-oxidant vitamins such as vitamin-C, vitamin-A and vitamin-E (not to mention lutein, zeaxanthin, carotenes, and crypto-xanthins).  Regular consumption of foods rich in these vitamins helps the body develop resistance against infectious agents and scavenge harmful, pro-inflammatory free radicals from the body.  What’s this mean exactly?  Basically, asparagus is a natural anti-inflammatory.  Cool, right?  What triathlete doesn’t like something that efficiently makes the stiffness and soreness go away after a long workout, am I right?

One other huge benefit is that asparagus is the number one source of Vitamin-K which, studies have shown, to significantly aid in bone formation and repair.  Vitamin-K is also necessary for the synthesis of ‘osteocalcin’.  Osteocalcin is the protein in bone tissue on which calcium crystallizes.  So asparagus also helps to make the literal framework of my body nice and strong?  Kick ass!

On top of all this, asparagus is good in minerals – especially copper and iron.  In addition, it has small amounts of some other essential minerals and electrolytes such as calcium, potassium, manganese, and phosphorus.  Potassium is an important component of cell and body fluids that helps controlling heart rate and blood pressure by countering effects of sodium.  Manganese is used by the body as a co-factor for the antioxidant enzyme, ‘superoxide dismutase’.  Copper is required in the production of red blood cells and iron benefits cellular respiration and red blood cell formation which are those little things that carry oxygen to your poor, over-worked muscles – very important indeed.

So, low in calories, anti-inflammatory properties, rich dietary fiber, strong promoter of cell respiration and red blood cell production, as well as building strong bones and muscle…what else can you ask for?  Well, maybe there is one little thing.  There is that one nasty drawback that inevitably results from the consumption of asparagus.  You guessed…stinky pee.  Personally, I could definitely do without that as I have no more need for any more stinkiness than I do a third nipple.

After I’ve eaten asparagus, about an hour later when I go to the bathroom it’s like I’m literally standing on the battlefield of Ypres it smells that bad.  It absolutely reeks; judging by my cats reaction anyway if they happen to be anywhere in the vicinity.  It’s enough to bring tears to my eyes and often it does.  Why is that?

Well, asparagus unfortunately also contains a sulfur compound called ‘mercaptan’. It is also found in onions, garlic, rotten eggs, and in the secretions of skunks (go figure).  The signature smell occurs when this substance is broken down in your digestive system.  Not all people have the gene for the enzyme that breaks down mercaptan, so some of you can eat all the asparagus you want without stinking up the place…I am not one of those lucky individuals.  Funnily enough, early investigators thought genetics had divided the world into stinkers and non-stinkers.  That was until 1980, when three researchers had the presence of mind to wave pee from the non-stinkers under the noses of the stinkers.  Lo and behold, the problem proved to be one not of producing the stinky pee but of being able to sniff it out.  So when it comes to sniffing out mercaptan, I am a mako shark apparently.  Lucky fucking me!

Although there are many ways to incorporate asparagus into your typical menu plan, my particular favorite is to roast it.  No muss, no fuss.  Here is a very simple recipe in which to quickly prepare roasted asparagus to accompany your next dinner menu: