What Santa brings good Stoner Triathletes

Posted: December 28, 2010 in Equipment, Run

So what did Santa bring this needy stoner triathlete besides an icy Christmas morning wind, stiff calves and a tight IT band?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  This year, Santa did the practical wise thing and decided to bring me gift cards; lots, and lots of gift cards.  That’s free money to spend all on all the new 2011 tri gadgets and equipment that I have been drooling over – beautiful!  And with these gift cards I descended upon the poor boobs at my local Runners Edge yesterday like a Biblical locust ready to take full advantage of their big Boxing Day blowout sale.

Yes, that really says: ‘Women’s Size IV’

Did somebody say: “half price clothing specials?” Why, yes they did, and I have been eying these pair of Zoot Active Compress RX compression socks for some time.  I did my research and most consumer reports suggest that users do experience an improvement in their recovery, as well as their overall performance by using these weird looking things.  Runners, in particular, are now turning to compression socks more often for these performance-boosting benefits, and on the surface, the claims seem to make sense: compression socks reduce muscle vibration and promote blood flow from the extremities to the heart, reducing fatigue and improving performance.  Promote blood flow?  Improve performance?  Shit, sign this runner up!  However, I can’t say that I was terribly thrilled at having been sized as a woman, or the fact that the sock will also remind me about it each time I put them on as it also just happens to be emblazoned across the sole, ‘Women Size IV, but I also had to endure a rousing game of “Laugh & Point at the Girly Man” by the male sales attendants afterwards as well.  But, regardless, besides the fact that I’m wearing chick socks, I will also get to pretend I’m a 80-year-old Godfather walking around my Tuscan villa in his knee-high stockings trying to find takers for my ‘tomat-ahs’.  But all fun aside, I am banking that these little babies will assist me with dealing with the developing stiffness I have been experiencing in my calves after some of my longer hill runs.

Somebody pass the soother and body glitter. Woot!

Despite being able to drive out into the country on the weekends for my long runs, I am still confined to the city, however, for all my quicker paced tempo runs.  This means that I have to be cognizant of busy traffic, intersections, as well as cyclists and other pedestrians as it is already inevitably dusk by the time I head out after work; even if I was a morning guy, I’d still inevitably be running in the darkness of the early dawn anyway.  Now I can deal with the dark, of course, but what I can’t deal with is the increasing multitudes of jackasses on the road time of year.  Especially as soon as it snows, or maybe if a little bit of ice should ever form on the pavement, everyone suddenly turns into a complete unpredictable moron.  I have had several close calls already from motorists trying to turn against a yellow light, or just simply ignoring pedestrian walkways altogether, that I wanted something that not just broadcasts my location to drivers, but literally screams: “wake up and watch the fuck out, you dipshit!” To assist me in this matter and improve my odds with the growing contestants of next seasons ‘Canada’s Worst Driver’, I purchased a bright yellow Nathan reflective vest with a separate magnetized flashing strobe light that I can attach and reattach to any of my other running jackets or shirts.  So now when I’m out running in my compression socks I will also light up like Danish raver at a Prodigy concert, and there will be no missing me out on the streets of St. Catharines now!  Muahahaha!

Real men wear tights

How can anyone turn down half priced sports clothing anyway?  Not me that’s for sure since I will either grow (or shrink) out of them, or just simply wear them out in a single season of training.  My current running tights have more patches than a low-rent apartment complex, but, so since I was already in the spending mood I decided to pick up another pair of tights.  These Nike Dri-Fit running tights will help keep me dry and warm during my winter runs and protect me from bone-chilling wind…oh, and it even has a pocket in the rear!  I know, big whoop…but it was proudly included on the tag so I thought, hey, why not include it here?  I never use pockets when I run as anything I may need to bring also fits in the pockets of my jacket, but it’s nice to know I have options; but somebody else might appreciate that feature.  And, hey, I already have the stockings and the techno blinky lights so why not go whole hog and really complete the whole running ensemble for the fashionable stoner triathlete on the go while I’m at it?

Assorted goo and chewy things.

Lastly, I managed to stock up with whatever was left on my gift cards with various flavored GU and Hammer gel treats with which to fuel some of my longer workouts in 2011.  The fact that the more Spring-like flavors are now on sale as well in favor of the new heartier, more savory winter flavors like chocolate, coffee and vanilla bean, means more for cheap stoner triathletes such as myself who have no particular preference for flavor:  “Strawberry flavored gel in December, well I never!”

All in all, it was an excellent Christmas haul this year and I’m now all set equipment-wise going into the New Year with my fancy, new bling tri-clothes and tri-gadgets.  Where I may look like a gay Italian Mafioso, I will also be a warm, dry, well-fueled, and well-performing gay Italian Mafioso if things go according to plan.

Thanks Santa!

  1. Paul Howes says:

    What, no protective skirt thingy?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s