I Drink a Pony

Posted: March 4, 2011 in Nutrition
Tags: , ,

Stop the presses!  Forget about all the current trends regarding energy and recovery drinks on the store shelves today, the market is about to introduce the next big phenomenon this month at the Wildfoods Festival in Hokitika, New Zealand.  What makes this particular sports drink so incredible you ask?  Well, for starters, it’s made from the semen of stallions.  That’s right – horse junk.

“It is sort of quirky, I suppose,” festival organizer Mike Keenan told the media, “It is the protein of the stallion and is going to be tastefully done.” Boy, those might just be, back-to-back, two of the biggest understatements of the year.  The shots (giggle), which will sell for approximately $10, are being pitched as healthy energy boosters that will be available to sample as they come (giggle) in cherry, licorice or banoffee pie flavors.  The beverage will also be sold au natural, for those who prefer their horse spunk without artificial flavoring.  Pardon me here while I throw up in my mouth just a little bit.

“You often hear from a female perspective that semen has an awful alkaline taste, so we thought we’d better make it more user friendly,” explained horse trainer Lindsay Kerslake, whose stallions also happen to be supplying the shots.  “Think of it like a milkshake. … It’s all safe. We’re getting the semen in the same way breeders do, using an artificial vagina and storing it in the formula they use.” Yeah, that doesn’t really whet my appetite any either, Lindsay, but thanks.  She goes on to say that “horses are pure testosterone, you know. They have hardly any cholesterol, so the idea is you knock it back and feel like a stallion yourself.  You’ll have as much energy as a stallion for a week afterwards.” Again – no thanks, Lindsay.  But just imagine having this unique little energy booster offered to you at the aid station during your next triathlon, eh?  Personally, I think I’ll stick with Gatorade.

The Wildfoods Festival has built an international reputation for challenging the taste buds of attendees.  “We had bull semen here in 2003,” said Keenan. “Deer pizzle has been offered – the penis of a deer – boiled up, of course.” Well of course, Mike!  If one is going to drink deer piss, it stands to reason that they would at least boil it first – duh.  Other past delicacies at the festival include wild pig gut kebabs with fresh eel slime sauce, wasp larvae ice cream, bull penis and a pig snout dish.  Does that sound like the breakfast of champions or what?

How long now before Craig Alexander is bottling his own man sauce for sale on EBay to other desperately-seeking triathletes like myself?  Don’t laugh!  Even 5-6 years ago you would have laughed at the guy wearing compression socks at a race, now you’re practically stupid if you don’t.  It’s a crazy world, folks!

  1. Carolyn H. says:

    I refuse to wear compression socks. Refuse.

  2. Jen says:


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