Wet Tri-Dreams

Posted: March 6, 2011 in Equipment, Financial

Today was a holy day.  Today was the day my monthly edition of Triathlon Magazine Canada arrived in the mail. And not just any edition but the ‘2011 Buyer’s Guide’ edition no less!  Yes, it’s a special day indeed.  Oh boy!  Oh boy! Oh boy!  For some guys it’s the seasonal copy of Penthouse Letters, for others it’s the precious Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue; I just happen to get more excited about shit I can’t afford.  It’s just a different form of masturbation really.

Seriously, triathlete magazines read just like porn in that I may not always understand what they’re talking about or showing me, but I find it curiously arousing all the same until it’s all “Yeah, beotch, I just gots to get me some of that!” From sets of sleek, aerodynamic bike tires that cost as much as a used car, to the new line of elite time trial bikes that will cost as much as a new car.  Hell, I’d have to take out a second mortgage on the house just to afford a new wetsuit.  But, still, it’s nice to dream isn’t it?

There are page after page of full spread pictorials of “aerodynamic gel enhanced” bicycle seats that resemble the splayed vagina shots from 70’s Hustler magazines; I didn’t know if I want to sit on them or screw them.  The same goes for the endless editorials and in-depth exposes on running shoes, aero bars, swim accessories, hydration systems – you name it and I love it all – triathletes are the Inspector Gadget of the athletic world.  Just about every one of these articles will manage to evoke a feeling in my loins not unlike the one I experienced on Prom night (minus the mickey of Peach Schnapps).

So what would I buy if I had an extra, say, $4200 lying around burning a hole in my pocket?

Orca 3.8 wetsuit – $699

Does this make my butt look fat?

I’m nervous that my wetsuit will be a bit too big this year thanks to my subsequent weight loss, but I am going to make it last another season come hell or high water.  But if money weren’t an issue, I’d be allover one of these He-man looking things.  Seriously, this is something Aquaman would wear into battle!

“The original 3.8 introduced the open water swimming world to the superior buoyancy of Aerodome – the new Orca 3.8 now raises the bar once again with the new ‘Exo-Cell Buoyancy System’. Exo-Cell is an innovative new material that is more than 25% more buoyant than Aerodome – it is used in carefully calculated positions on the front chest and rear areas of the 3.8 – hence the body armor look and feel.  The System helps to raise your torso and legs in the water, optimizing the swimming position, which in turn improves swim performance.  The 3.8 also utilizes the ‘HydroLift Buoyancy Cells’ – cells of foam positioned on the upper forearm sleeve area – to encourage a better arm position in the catch phase of the stroke, increasing power and reducing fatigue. Other new features for the 3.8 include the comfortable low profile neck seal, designed to sit flat against the neck, limiting water entry and reducing the incidence of chafing. The molded neoprene ‘Aquatread’ forearm panel has been enhanced to provide increased stroke power in the catch phase, whilst remaining easy to remove during transition. “

I understood, like, none of that – but I want one.  Seriously, did the designers lay awake one night thinking up fancy names for their wetsuit features?  “How about we call it the improved ‘Ezy-Glide System’?  Or, maybe, the ‘Ultimate Flow Vortex’? No, no, that still doesn’t sound right…” Whatever, it looks and sounds cool.  Better give me two.

Specialized S-Works Prevail Helmet – $210

"Outta my way, Schleck..."

Its super light and super cool looking to boot!  There is lots of ventilation and a sleek, sexy looking fit.  This is what the tour riders will be sporting this year.  Okay, I need a shower now. I still wear a cheap-ass black Bell helmet I found on a flea market table outside the local Laundromat.  That helmet has served me well and is still perfectly fine, but it would be cool to have something that Alberto Contador might also be wearing this year (and I’m not talking about the steroid cream either).

Mavic Cosmic Carbone SLR wheelset – $2,600

Big wheel keep on turning...

Okay, besides looking the tits, these babies will help you move! Mavic shaved four-tenths of a pound (175 grams) off the total weight of the 52 mm deep wheels, 40 grams of which came out of the rims. At 1595 grams per pair, they’re not crazy-light, but they are light enough to be a do-it-all race wheel. Mavic provides you with the best of everything with its SLC wheelset; a 52 mm deep aero-cross- section profile, race-acceptable weight, and clincher tire-compatibility. Strength-wise, you could ride these everyday to train without worrying about excessive strain and wear. Plus, the convenience of having clinchers is hard to beat should you need to change a blown tube.

The big buzz about the SLR’s are the Rim 2 Rim spokes. The technology is similar to the Lightweight wheels that Lance, Marco Pantani, and others used to pay full-price for and I can just see Lucille all kitted out in these come spring.  Flat carbons spokes stretch from one side of the rim, cross the hub, and connect to the opposite side of the rim. Apparently, it’s this technique that results in some pretty bad ass benefits (none of which, I’m willing explain or get into now) as far as high performing bicycle tires go, so, of course, I must have them.

Garmin Edge 800 Bundle – $700

"Excuse me, which way to Awesometown, please?"

The first touchscreen GPS, Garmin’s latest top-end model is the ultimate navigation and performance-monitoring bike computer.  The touch-sensitive, sunlight-readable color display will work even when you’re wearing gloves – allowing you to switch training pages and zoom or pan a map; you know, all the things you should be doing while out bike riding.  It’ll totally be the death of me but I don’t care, I want one. The built-in basemap tracks everything from your distance, speed and location to how much climbing you’ve done through your ride.  Once you’re done you can connect to Garmin Connect and, Bob’s your uncle, you’re analyzing and sharing your training data.  Oh, oh, oh!  Who wants to share training data?

I wonder if it also has ‘Battle Chess’?

  1. Carolyn H. says:

    My friend got me a subscription to Triathlon Magazine, but I haven’t gotten any yet. I can’t wait. In other news… I went to get fitted for a new bike!!! Carrera here i come….

  2. That is VERY exciting…and smart to get sized properly. Do you have any bike brands in mind? Perhaps I can live vicariously through you. 🙂

  3. Carolyn H. says:

    I got a Carrera! it is an Italian brand.

  4. That’s anew brand to me, but Italian! Ooh-la-la! Is there a particular make/model I can Google?

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