It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Posted: May 20, 2011 in In Transition, Run, Training
Tags: ,
  • (Easy) Run (click to see stats)
  • 10k (57:24)
  • Avg. Heart Rate = 156 bpm
  • Max. Heart Rate = 145 bpm
  • Avg. Pace = 5:44/km
  • Best Pace = 4:54 /km
  • Calories = 945
  • Temp = 21º
  • SOTD: Entire ‘Tromple le Monde’  album by the Pixies

I hate to be the ‘Gloomy Gus’ here n’ all, but it really is starting to feel like the end of time is upon us; seriously, a month of being overcast and rainy?  I know that “April showers brings May flowers” but, shit, enough is enough already!  To quote from one of my favorite granola-crunching hippie bands: “this darkness has got to give…”

This week, I hydro-planed through a very cold and very wet ride on Tuesday as I figured a long cold, wet and windy ride outside was better than a warm, dry and boring spin inside any day so out I went; I sloshed through a torrential downpour on Wednesday evening during a chilly (not to mention chafing) 12k run as I did again this evening; I’ve trudged in the rain to and from the YMCA for my pool workouts – twice; and all the while I haven’t been working out or commuting to another workout, it’s been overcast and dreary.  Mother Nature, please, for the love of everything good and holy, I’m set with the “mental toughness” training for a lifetime; I’m ready for some warmth and sunshine please!

“Are you Sarr-ah Conn-ah?”

However, this warmth and sunshine (if granted) might be rather short-lived and moot if you’re to believe what some religious wacko’s are currently saying about the big anticipated event approaching this Saturday.  That’s right, Saturday, May 21st, 20116:00pm, to be exact – Judgment Day is finally upon us!  And I don’t mean the futuristic terminator kind on BRAVO! either, so if you have plans for the weekend you may want to cancel them just in case.  This might not turn out so bad for me, however, as I was scheduled to embark on my first Iron-distance brick workout bright and early Sunday morning.

Meh, I could use the lay-in anyway.

Yes, Armageddon, the Rapture, Judgment Day, whatever, is finally here at last, or so they are saying.  But, really, how can you really be surprised given that Skynet officially went on line only a month ago, to the day nearly, on April 19th, 2011?  But this prediction for the end of time isn’t science-fiction based, oh no, it’s based on religious belief which totally makes it 100% certifiably credible.

Apparently, this apocalyptic predilection is based on two different numerological theories translated directly from within the pages of the Bible itself, so there can absolutely be no doubt.  The first proof is based on Genesis 7:4, when God said to Noah: “Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights, and I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made.”  When God referred to seven days, he meant both seven days and seven thousand years, because “one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.”  The flood occurred in 4990 BC. Seven thousand years later is 2011.  Get that?

The second proof looks at the significance of the number of days between the Crucifixion and May 21, 2011.  There are 722,500 days between these dates.  722,500 is a significant number because it is composed of the significant numbers 5x10x17x5x10x17.  Five signifies redemption; ten signifies completion; and 17 signifies heaven.  The numbers represent the day of redemption (5) and the end of the Christian era (10) and the ascent to heaven (17) and these factors are doubled for added significance.  My brain hurts.  It makes figuring out your anaerobic threshold seem like simply adding up pocket change.

Whatever you choose to believe, thousands upon thousands of Christians world round are bracing themselves for the mother of all Shitstorms to begin raining down from above.  In fact, Harold Camping, the 89-year-old Christian evangelist from Oakland, California, whose Family Radio (get that – FAMILY  Radio) broadcasts are heard in 61 languages, doesn’t just think that Judgment Day will come Saturday.  He absolutely guarantees it.  There, how can you wrong with sound advice like that?  Personally, I’d be happy with no rain.

Be all that as it may, lately it does seem like the world has been sending me rather odd messages that might suggest I be careful this weekend anyway.  For starters, there was that little indiscretion with the law a few days ago while out riding my bike.

Typically, I’d think nothing of these omens except this black cat seemed to be following me and reappeared at least three or four more times during the course of my run.  Sure, it was probably several different black cats that I’ve mistakenly assumed as the same cat but, even then, why so many black cats tonight particularly?  Spooky!

Then there’s this little sulfur-scented omen I received at the self checkout aisle just a few hours ago at my local supermarket as I finished scanning in my seasonal Fiddleheads as white bulk mushrooms (for a savings of $2.34) and my grossly overpriced Lady Alice apples as ordinary California oranges (for a savings of $1.87*):

That pretty much seals it. Pass the brimstone…

That’s right, the Mark of the Beast!  Can there ever be little doubt now?  We’re screwed.  It’s like Lucifer himself is tapping me on the shoulder.  Whatever the case, tomorrow night come 6:00pm I plan on being camped out all safe and sound on my couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.  If the heavens should open up with a radiant white light, hopefully, the good Lord will take pity on my sore and fatigued body and suck me up to paradise as my reward for months of dedication and perseverance, if not, I know he hates me and truly wants me to suffer during Sunday morning’s Iron distance brick so this ice cream may as well be my last meal anyway.

Good luck everyone and Happy Judgement Day!

* For a total combined savings of $4.21!  I’m going to Hell anyway, so I might as well not go hungry.

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