El Grande Reeko

Posted: May 28, 2011 in Gym, Lifestyle
Tags: , ,

It’s been a few months since I’ve cleaned out my tri-bag so I thought it was about high time – and I chose that term carefully – I managed to finally sort through and clean it out.  First, let me say that I should have attempted this a long time ago but, hey, it didn’t exactly rank very high on my priority list.  Some things are better left uncovered; know what I’m sayin’?  But, sadly, you can’t put things off forever and, today being my official “Rest Day”, I decided to throw caution to the wind, don the necessary industrial-strength protective gloves and wade on in.

“Did somebody order the salmon?”

First, it must be said that I practically live out of this tri-bag 6 days of the week.  I keep all my swimming gear, a fresh change of running shoes and clothes (not to mention the occasional set of used running clothes that I might have forgotten to take out and launder afterwards), maybe some spin stuff, as well as all my shower and bath shit for after.

Upon the first “opening” I was immediately greeted by the initial ‘El Grande Reeko, or the immense stench that emanated outward upon introducing the contents to fresh air; a ripe mixture of sweat sock, chlorine, and stinky cheese.  This particular wall of stink was so thick that you could actually spread it on toast.  Hows that for carbo-loading?  So I plugged my nose and delved into the labyrinth of pockets, pouches and uber-secret zippered compartments that I had long ago forgotten about and was I shocked to discover an entire warehouse of useless shit like swim caps, safety pins, empty tubes of BodyGlide, balled up bandanas and forgotten bib numbers.  There was also a whole array of lotions, creams, balms, ointments, treatment rubs, etc.  Christ Almighty!  There was an entire Ms. Clairol convention going on in that bag!  Am I a princess or what?

Ointment anyone?

I remember, once, when my life used to be so simple when all I did was go to work and sit in a fancy swivel chair swilling Diet Coke by the liter before returning home again to sit on the couch and eat potato chips, so there was little call for things in my life like all this girly crap I keep now.  After all, how many fat, lazy guys really need products with chemically enhanced formulas, special secret blends, or crap with ylang-ylang in it.  What the hell is that anyway?  But, yeah, it was a total horror show.  It would now seem that my life has evolved to be infinitely more complicated in the bodily care department.  How long before I’m also ‘Manscaping’ just so I can look good in my spin shorts?  Seriously!

Where did it all go so wrong?  One minute I had a simple itch or a discomfort on a run somewhere and, before I knew it, I was a walking Pharmacy.  Triathlon is a tough sport to be sure, but is this normal?  Has anyone else experienced this kind of situation going on in their own gym bag?  I’d like to say that this is just an accumulation of leftover crap from over the years, as you might find in an old forgotten hockey bag or something but, sadly, it’s not.  My life just continues to turn into one seeping cesspool of sweaty germs and bacteria and it’s hard to keep up with the laundry and preventive care.  But what can you do?  Look at the alternative:  it’s either dealing with a running chafing thing, or a dried out itchy swimmers scale thing, or a moisture accumulation cycling thing, or…well, you get the idea.

As it is, I am a bit overcome with an overwhelming feeling of ‘Sissybitchitis’ when I look at this small amassed pile of medicated products.  Maybe I should look upon them as a testament to my hard work and effort, but right now all I can think is:  “pussy”.  I am learning to live with this shame however.  I figure it’s just another step in developing my ‘mental toughness’ in my being able to endure all the random trials and tribulations of training for something of this magnitude.  So I accept my fate and will take the full responsibility head on.  In your eye, tough guy!

So having said this, I use a “vitamin E enriched mint coconut moisturizing cream with a new hydrating formula that deeply penetrates (my) pours” and I don’t care who knows it!  Bite me.

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Comments
  1. I would counter with an equally witty and barbed response, but I’m just happy with the confirmation that people are still reading these posts. Soooo, thank you. 🙂

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