For the Triathlete Who Has Everything (Part 1)

Posted: December 6, 2011 in In Transition
Tags: ,

A few weeks ago I had a disastrous trip to San Antonio, Texas.  I had originally planned on taking in some warm weather runs along the ‘Riverwalk’ and past the Alamo, or maybe do some yoga in any one of the huge National Parks.  At the very least I was looking forward to gorging on plates and plates of Texas-style BBQ and Latin American food for which I have become quite fond of since my recent Cancun trip this past September.  But, alas, none of it was meant to be as almost immediately upon arrival, I was stricken with a terrible case of strep throat.  By midweek, each time I opened my mouth or even attempted to speak (which was often) it felt like I was swallowing a fistful of razorblades.  Total ‘ouchie’!  Needless to say, those long runs and yoga sessions never happened nor did and of the meals I was so looking forward to.  All I did apart from working in the afternoon was go back to my hotel room, down the Advil by the bucketful, drink rooiboos tea with honey and sleep…so much for my big Texas adventure.  Yeehaw!

To make matters worse, my return flight from the San Antonio International Airport was delayed by a few hours leaving me stranded at Gate 12 with my agony and about three million other Jheri-curled passengers (apparently, Texas is the sole surviving state where this nightmarish hair style is still fad).  Fortunately, I managed to secure a copy of the recent Skymall catalogue that had been appropriately discarded under my seat by another strandee.  Maybe it was the hot, humid Texas air or maybe it was the copious amounts of sinus medication in my system* but I began to leaf through the magazine and was thrilled to find lots of interesting items for any wannabe triathlete out there. So, knowing that the holiday season was soon upon us, I decided to earmark these fancy-dancy little gadgets and gizmos for you as potential Christmas gift ideas for your favourite loved one.

A Moveable Christmas Tree

Not many cyclists or triathletes I know cycle in the nighttime, and rightly so given the number of clueless morons out there on the road behind the wheels of their latest huge-ass, state-of-the-art vehicle.  As such, we are primarily restricted to cycling during the daytime and given that daylight hours dwindle down to nothing during the winter months, this doesn’t create a huge window of opportunity, does it?  Well, never fear…now there’s a nifty way to be noticed and cycle in relative safety during the non-daylight hours as well.  Thankfully, Skymall is happy to offer a chance to purchase a 360°BikeGlow’ safety lighting system for your bike to make you visible to motorists from every angle.  How FESTIVE is that?  This flexible waterproof electroluminescent light frame is surely to stand out on even on the darkest roadways. Available in several different colors and able to be set on Steady, Slow Flash, or Fast Flash, this safety lighting system is bound to make you noticeable to passing motorists (either that, or send them into an epileptic seizure) whether they are behind you, beside you, or careening headlong at you obliviously, whatever, ride along confidently knowing that it wasn’t your fault.

Look out, Fido! Rambo is in the house!

I don’t know about you, but there is always the risk while running outdoors that you are going to be eventually attacked or chased by some stray dog (or worse) hell bent on making you their dinner.  I can’t count the number of times I’ve been chased through the streets by some angry pooch…it’s enough to make me consider the treadmill even  I mean, really, being dressed in tights, bright orange running jacket and fluorescent green reflective vest – I’d chase me too.  But, again, I have found the perfect solution to ward off any perusing K9’s – the Marshmallow Shooter“This clever pump-action device shoots sweet, edible miniature marshmallows over 30’”.  How sweet is that?  It may be a bit awkward to carry on your runs, but you will be thankful next time Cujo decides to give chase and you can simply turn around and bounce a marshmallow off his puss as he closes in for the kill.  The marshmallow shooter hold up to 25  marshmallows in the barrel, and rumour has it that you can improve your deadly force by leaving the marshmallows out for 24  hours and allow them to go a little stale prior to loading.  Cujo will never know what hit him, or at least think twice before sinking his teeth into your backside.

Not just for pets!

There is lots of talk amongst triathletes, and available products for that matter, that deal specifically with the issue of hydration.  Well, no more!  Skymall has the perfect gift option to keep you aptly hydrated before, after and during your toughest workout: the Delux Stainless Steel 360 Pet Fountain.  Who cares that it’s intentionally marketed for your pets, this particular hydration system provides five free-falling water streams from which to slurp and, Lord knows, I’m not proud when I’ve been working out and I’m ready to commit murder for a simple drink of water.  And considering it holds 128 ounces  inside its 14.25” diameter bowl, I figure this as good as any triathlon-specific hydration system currently available out there.  No worries about dehydration now and you can even invite your workout partners for a drink too!

Take a load off…

Personally, after I finish racing, I just want to sit down and enjoy my post-race recovery drink, or slice of complimentary pizza, or whatever.  Point is that I’m ready to take a load off.  Skymall then, has the perfect accessory to aid in this recovery ritual: the Brobdingangian Sports Chair.  Just look how fucking big this thing is!  Hell, you may never get back up.  Just imagine this baby in the transition area, or conveniently parked at the finish line for you.  You’ll be the envy of everyone!  This monstrosity of a chair can support even the heaviest triathlete at 400 lbs, and has six cup holders to conveniently house all your pre- or post-race recovery drinks and refreshments.  I want one!  I have no idea what a ‘Brobdingangian’ is but if this is how they roll, the just point me to the proper Customs office as I want to emigrate immediately.

See how macho is it?

It’s December and you know what that means: lots of cold weather training.  So what better way to recover and warm up after long winter run than with this enormous ‘Slanket’!  It’s like a ‘Snuggie’, but better!  And forget about the sissy sky blue or pink colors, this comfortable blankie is available in camouflage for even the manliest triathlete.  See how buff and cool this guy looks wrapped up in his fancy polyester fleece ‘Slanket’?  Cool as fuck, that’s what.  It’s sure to be the hit of any post-workout recovery strategy.

Mmmm…motivation.

One last gift idea is not really triathlon specific, per se, but something that triathletes can appreciate nonetheless.  Who wouldn’t want a ‘pierogi’  Christmas ornament hanging from their tree?  It’s not recommended that we eat that shit over the holidays (guilt-free anyways), but we can sure warm the cockles of our heart in front of one of these “finely crafted and tastefully decorated”  golden beauties hanging on the Christmas tree.  Hell, I might just leave it hanging all year as added motivation.

* I incorrectly assumed that I had a sinus infection at the time.

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