Holiday Diet Plan

Posted: December 16, 2011 in In Transition
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As we approach the holidays there has been the inevitable barrage of informational tidbits on how to avoid the whole holiday weight gain.  Sure, sure, research tells us that most people gain weight during the holiday season.  That comes as no real surprise.  Just about any triathlon related website, message board, event series – not to mention every veritable who’s who of the elite triathlon world – has offered their prolific advice on how to avoid this ‘Holiday Food Trap’; none of which are very insightful or helpful if you ask me.  I am taking a very different approach however.

I watch and regulate my diet constantly throughout the year…bar none.  I feel this entitles me to the odd indulgence from time to time.  Hell, if I’m not competing and training hard for the pleasure of guilt-free pie and ice cream, why the hell am I doing this at all?  Am I right?  So with that in mind, I am offering you my own original “Holiday Diet Plan”  for this Christmas holiday season in order to make sure that I am taking full advantage of the one time of year when I feel I have earned the right to indulge a little.

You may not agree with this sentiment and choose to ignore this post altogether and that’s your prerogative, but understand that as of January 1st, 2012…I’m back, nose-to-the-grindstone, for the next eight months leading up to the big event come September.  So without further adieu, the following tips are my own suggestions on how to make the most of your next holiday office or dinner party:

1.  Avoid carrot sticks, celery sticks, raw cauliflower and broccoli – In fact, avoid vegetable and fruit trays altogether.  Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing about the spirit of giving.  In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately!  You have the entire New Year to consume all this natural, healthy shit…live a little!

2.  Drink as much eggnog as you can! – It’s rare after all; you cannot find it any other time of year but now.  So drink up!  Who cares that it has 10,000  calories in every gulp?  It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an ‘eggnog-aholic’, right?  It’s a treat.  Enjoy it.  Have one for me.  Have two.  Dump some protein powder into it, attach it to an IV-drip and spike it directly into your veins during your next indoor wind-trainer session, whatever…it’s Christmas!

3.  If something comes with gravy, use it – That’s the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone.  Pour it on.  Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes before you eat them; fill it up with gravy and then do laps in it.  Bring your pull boy and fins.  And make sure they’re not made with that Skim crap either!  Real mashed potatoes are made with real milk  and should come with the risk of triple-bypass surgery.  Milk is an excellent suggested recovery drink after all.

4.  Do not have a snack – I repeat: DO NOT snack – before going to any office party or holiday function in an effort to control your eating.  No Clif Bars, no GU gels, etc.  The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free…and lots of it!  Hello?  And another thing, if they aren’t asking to call you an ambulance by the parties end, scratch them off your Christmas card list for next year.

5.  Under no circumstances should you exercise between Christmas Day and New Year’s – Doctors orders!  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.  So eat your fill of pudding now as there will inevitably be lots of time to burn off all those extra calories come January 2nd.  If you plan correctly and have a training plan, you’ll be getting plenty of exercise anyway after circling the buffet table a thousand times while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.  If you’re feeling guilty, put on a Richard Simmons ‘Sweatin’ to the Oldies’ video and help yourself to another slice of chocolate cake.  Apply yourself, remember to breathe, and work through the pain.

6.  If you come across something really good at a buffet table position yourself near it and don’t budge – Shovel as many of those gingerbread cookies and rum balls into your gaping maw as possible before becoming the center of attention.  If you notice you are being watched, step away briefly until attention is averted elsewhere (hopefully, somebody else helping themselves to the eggnog by the troughful) and then sneak back for more.  You’re a triathlete anyway and cover hundreds of kilometers a month, what’s the other guys excuse?

7.  Same for pies – Apple, Cherry, Pumpkin, Chocolate, Lemon, Mincemeat, whatever.  Have a slice of each.  When else do you get to have more than just one dessert without feeling guilty?  Christmas comes but only once a year.  It’s Baby Jesus’ birthday for Pete’s sake.  You’re celebrating!  Are you going to turn down pie at Jesus’ birthday?  Not this triathlete, that’s for sure!

8.  What’s that? Did someone mention fruitcake? – Granted, it’s loaded with those precious calories, but, avoid them at all cost.  It’s just fruit masquerading as dessert.  Move on.

9.  Invest in a pair of stretchy party pants – Add this to your Christmas wish list for Santa this year if you need to. Like competing in any professional sport or performing any specific labour-intensive duty, you need the right tools and equipment to get the job done!  Gorging yourself is no different.  Think of the valuable feasting time wasted or lost altogether because of the waistband on the new Dockers you swear you’ll fit into by February.  Rule #5 has already established that you should never work out, so what’s the hurry?  Personally, I like to fashion a crude toga out of a shower curtain and just readjust it each time I hit up the buffet table, but this might also be good opportunity to use those comfy yoga pants that Santa brought you this year as well.

10.  One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or feel the irresistible urge to unbuckle your pants when you get up from the table, you haven’t been focusing hard enough – No pain no gain, right?  Why should holiday feasting be any different than your typical long interval run, so suck it up and get ‘er done!

  1. Jan says:

    You are absolute crackers! But I enjoyed your fresh outlook on an impossible task. I’m going to do just what you say no matter how much weight I put on. Love your humour!

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