Hell is Coming for Breakfast

Posted: December 30, 2011 in Nutrition, Training
Tags: , ,
  • Long Run(click to see stats)
  • 21.1k (1:56:00)
  • Avg. Heart Rate = 148bpm
  • Max. Heart Rate = 157 bpm
  • Avg. Pace = 5:30/km
  • Best Pace = 4:34 /km
  • Calories = 2009
  • Temp = -3º
  • SOTD: ‘Thela Hun Ginjeet’  (Les Claypool; 07-01-01)

I’ve alluded to it before, and I’ll reiterate it again:  I train so I can eat.  Period!  And you can forget about that “Eat to Train”  hippie shit too, how else is one going to suffer through early morning half marathons in sub-zero degree weather if they don’t have something to look forward to?  When you’re kicked out of bed (literally) at the crack of dawn to run 21.5k in the freezing cold, with no spectators aside from the other odd neighborhood loony-tune out walking his Shih-Tzu, and where the only starting and finishing line are the imaginary ones at my front porch, you think a turnip, or a mere vegan spinach quiche is going to fuel that kind of craziness?  Shit, no!

So I’ll say again loud and proud:  I TRAIN TO EAT.

When I get back from my weekly Saturday morning long run I’m ready to eat.  Even after around the 15k point, I start to go all Iron Chef in my head with every passing squirrel, skunk, rabbit, groundhog, or whatever else it is that happens to cross my path…if I could catch it I’d probably eat it right about then.  Think about it, I can burn upwards of 2000-3000 calories on some of these long ass mamma-jammas, so by the time I actually get home my body is absolutely crazy ravenous…and not for the sprouted variety neither, no sir!  I don’t want no stinking salad…I want bacon and heaps of it, dig?

So it’s with this mentality in mind that I take you back three weeks ago where I had prearranged to run from Ridgeway to Fort Erie…and back.  I had accidentally miscalculated misread my schedule into thinking that I had it in the plan to run 21.1k on that particular Saturday morning, instead of the 18.5k that was actually in the plan – my bad.  So knowing then that I had broken the cardinal rule of not ramping up any more than 10% at a time, by the time that 18.5k came and went my muscles were practically screaming for sustenance.  Luckily, it was also in the plan that morning to visit the local ‘J.K. Katsrestaurant for the manliest of manly breakfasts on the planet.

There is a fine line between ‘hearty’  and ‘ridiculous’  and I never thought that I’d be the one who tapped out during breakfast, but I’m constantly learning things about myself all the time, what can I say?  God have mercy on my soul!

When I first ordered the “Lumberjack Breakfast”  off the menu, for a mere $7.95,  I figured I was at least going to get my money’s (and belly’s) worth, but I hadn’t really planned on what ridiculousness was actually going to be brought to my table.  Hey, I like surprises as much as the next guy, sure, but seriously?

Hells Breakfast

When it was finally brought to my table – on two separate dishes no less, both the size of serving trays – I instantly realized what trouble my colon was going to be in later that day.  The slice of ham was more like something you’d expect elves to cut in order to make a pair of boots; about an inch thick and covering the entire bottom of the plate.  I mean, that’s great, but holy shit!  My heart began to palpitate just looking at it.  Also taking into consideration the three sausage links and bacon strips, there was enough meat on my plate to feed an entire African nation…never mind the eggs and toast.  Fortunately, I had the good foresight to skip the home fries altogether, as judging by the mounds I saw on the other diners plates, there was definitely going to be a string of 911 calls later that afternoon.


Plate Two contained two of the largest pancakes I have ever seen, each about the size of a tractor tire.  Now, I love me my pancakes – believe me – but after consuming one enormous plate of protein already, these pancakes were like throwing water on a drowning man.  The coffee served more as a lubricant at this point in helping me flush these monster pancakes down my gullet, rather than act as a mere stimulant.  All in all, there was enough calories on these plates alone to fuel at least 3 half marathons, but I was determined to give it the ‘ol college effort.  I’m an endurance athlete, so I’m in it for the long haul even at the worst of times.

Good to the last heart attack…

Long story short: I suffered.  By the time I got to the pancakes, my vision was blurry and my heart rate had developed some kind of weird murmur.  It became a chore just to raise each forkful to my mouth.  It was like some new form of food torture…but endure I did.  By the time I finished, I had broken out into sweats and was ready to unbuckle my belt and take a long nap right there under the table on the restaurant floor.  This is how starving Ethiopians must feel after being presented with a Casino-style buffet.  My stomach bulged like it was about to give birth.

I know some people may be screaming to revoke my “Man Card” after this post, but until you’ve been on the receiving end of one of these bottomless ,belly-buster of a breakfast, you may consider offering me a little sympathy instead.  Going forward, I’m going to stick to my usual  $2.99 Two Egg Breakfast Special  and leave the ‘Lumberjack Breakfasts  to the lumberjacks.

  1. Kelly says:

    Hey …. You can’t take credit for eating bith those pancakes lol …. *I* had one of them 😉

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