The Lotion Lowdown

Posted: October 31, 2012 in Equipment
Tags: , ,

Life used to be so…uncomplicated.  Wake up, have a poop, brush my teeth, and head to work or the gym before returning home again to the couch and then to bed after another poop and vigorous brushing.  I might even through the odd shower in there too boot.  Simple!  Life was good.  But, oh no, that wasn’t good enough was it?  Noooooooo…I had to get involved in triathlon, didn’t I?  So while my entire waking life became a lot more hectic schedule-wise, it also got a lot more, well, complicated…particularly at home.  Never mind the necessary equipment and various tri-shit, even the very sanctity of my once simple bathroom ritual has also been turned into something Emperor Claudius might have conducted prior to entering his Roman Orgy Room.

Suddenly, my entire bathroom routine also became a lot more complex than the original “shit, shower and shave” routine.  Now there are specific lotions, gels, creams, balms, ointments, liniments, supplements, and God knows what else to deal with; and don’t even get me started on the all the scented body washes and shampoos I use now to kill the sweat and chlorine stenches I come home with regularly.  I mean, look at this mess:

The “Stockpile”


What the Sam hell happened to me?  It’s like triathlon suddenly turned me into…into…a total wuss!


How much longer before I’m spending hours browsing the aisles at the local Pharmacy and complaining about that “not so fresh feeling”?  Just shoot me now.  But how on earth did I get so wrapped up in all this medicated lotion nonsense?  Even I need some reminding every now and again about why I’m rubbing this on that, or why am I applying that to this, and what the fuck is this shit exactly?  I’ve become worse than my girlfriend.  The very sanctity of my once basic man’s bathroom has now been turned into that resembling a Roman Orgy Room.  The counter is a literal Texas oil field for all the pump action nozzles dispensing their various lotions and whatnot in geysers of white, vitamin-enriched tropical moisturizing blends!  All that’s missing is a poor dry and cracked mountaineer shooting up a-bubblin’ crude.

A casual visitor to my bathroom might think that all these medicated ointments suggest that there is something gravely wrong with me and, therefore, I need to be immediately whisked away to some underground military research facility in the Nevada dessert somewhere with about a dozen locked up howler monkeys and a team of scientists in air-tight radioactive containment suits.  Seriously!  Even part of me feels like I’ve been steadily devolving for the past few years with each additional prescribed steroid cream and medicated rub so that soon I might expect to wake up one morning with a solid uni-brow and have this mysterious urge to fling feces at the mailman.

Let’s take a closer look at some of this shit, shall we?

Voltaren  Emulgel – As it turns out, this is an animated character from the old Voltron cartoons as one might immediately suspect.  Who knew?  No, in fact it’s a strong anti-inflammatory gel used to reduce swelling and alleviate pain associated with recent muscle or joint injuries such as sprains, strains, or sports injuries.  Most commonly, I’ve learned, is that particular product is popular among arthritis sufferers.   I’ve taken to using this specific product in lieu of the Traumeel and A5-35 I used before as it has a strong compound known as Diclofenac in it.  What is it exactly?  Beats the shit out of me, but it’s cool to the application, smells pleasantly minty and if it helps with my current soft tissue issue than I’m all for it.  Shit, I’ll beat off old ladies in the aisle for it if it comes to that.

Viaderm K.C. – It’s an anti-fungal steroid cream and you don’t wanna know.  Let’s just say that triathlon has never been called a ‘comfortable’ sport and leave it at that.

Vitamin E gel – For my new tattoo.  Twice day I still have to get it all greased up and shiny to assist with the healing and prevent drying, flaking, etc., especially since I’m in a chlorinated pool so much.  Now, I love the new tat but, geez, if I knew it was going to come with so much maintenance I might have reconsidered.

Calypso Coco-butter – Hey, given how much I sweat you can imagine then how dry my skin gets…particularly in the winter.  Oh and from time to time I smell, well, less than rosy.  So to combat this I’ve taken to using cocoa-butter much to the chagrin of my manly sense of pride.  This particular brand just happens to be cheap and smells like chocolate and vanilla so it’s ‘girlfriend approved’.  Downside is that I have to prevent from nibbling at myself like a crazy coyote.  It’s not easy walking around smelling like a Caramilk bar, let me tell you.

Chamois Butt’r – I’ve already detailed the benefits of this wonder cream already in a previous post but it’s worthy of mention again given that Kelly is now getting into cycling herself, so our personal stocks in this stuff is about to skyrocket.  I also use this now almost exclusively to prevent chafing while in the saddle, around my neck in my wetsuit and on my armpits and body while running.  I slather it literally everywhere instead of also using something like, say, Bodyglide.  Yes, I put ass cream on my face.  Deal with it.  Again, triathlon is seldom glamorous.

Vitamin Supplements – The only supplements I used to take in the morning were the kind that came with peanut butter smeared over it.  Now, I have multi-vitamins, Vitamin C tablets the size of toasters and Ibuprofen if I’m having a particular sore and therefore slow moving morning.  Sometimes I even take Melatonin if I’m having a hard time sleeping after a particularly taxing workout day or on the evening before a race specifically.

See what I mean?  Waking up is no longer as easy as pouring myself a cup of coffee and dropping a deuce.  But what can I say?  A healthy triathlete’s gotta do what a healthy triathlete’s gotta do.  And if that means embracing more medicated lotions, balms and scented ylang-ylang crap in order to perform, recovery and smell better, then so be it. Say what you will.

  1. Kelly says:

    *ahem* *cough cough, mumble mumble* you seem to have forgotten to include my bottle of Oil of Olay in your photo. Not manly enough for you to include in your post or pics, but it’s okay to use it ????? LMAO !

  2. Jan says:

    I can hear Kelly saying, “Suck it up Babe!”

  3. Kelly says:

    oh, and who are you kidding with the “shave” bit ? Not me, Mr.Scratchy Face 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s