Here Wii Go!

Posted: January 3, 2013 in In Transition, Motivation
Tags: ,

During the holiday season, another training gadget has now made it’s way into our household: Wii Fit.

Yes, Nintendo, those same bastards who brought us ‘Super Mario’ and ‘The Legend of Zelda’, which, coincidentally, were two of the biggest contributors to my pre-Ironman obesity in the first place, are now weighing in (literally) on my personal physical fitness to boot.  Oh joy.  Don’t you just love the irony?

The initial plan was to invest in something that the “family” could enjoy together and, hey, if it should nicely complement our healthy active lifestyle – particularly that of Kidzilla – then so much the better.  Currently, her new iPod is offering her a rigorous daily thumb exercise no doubt but, really, it’s not doing much for her over all fitness.  Mind you, I’m sure by now she can easily perform more two finger push-ups than most Shaolin monks given the number of texts we’ve received requesting another snack; basically, her thumbs are to texting what Lance’s legs were to the Tour d’ France.  So if the magical world of Wii Fit can somehow miraculously fill in some of the lost minutes between texting and snacking, than I am going to do the noble thing as a family man and bow down before it and make it my Master.

So, this Wii Fit thingamabob comes complete with a balance board which we can use to play “fitness” games while participating in a “personalized exercise routine” focusing on Strength Building, Balance, Yoga , Aerobics, and something we haven’t figured out yet called ‘Training Plus’.  Fuck me.  If this thing learns how to make a sandwich, I’m in shit as 2013 might just be the year Terry runs away to marry himself a home gaming system.  No offense, dear.  Regardless, I’m all for encouraging physical activity of any kind beyond reaching for another bag of chips, so I’m hoping that this then will be a smart investment for our little budding family of wannabe athletes.  It’s the year of “Fun” after all, right?

The initial idea is to create a character in your own likeness, or as in my case, a weird digital cross between Randy Quaid and the Terminator, and then complete a fitness assessment which calculates your equivalent “Wii Age”, or the games way of measuring your overall physical ability.  Sounds easy, right?  I mean, how tough could any assessment be that’s largely based established through a basic balance gaming board be?  Surly this thing will immediately detect the past four years of physical prowess and simply declare me fit as an Olympian and spit out a candy bar…or, so I thought at the time anyway.

First the kid and my girlfriend had their assessments done.  Based on Kelly’s assessment, her “Wii Age” was calculated at, apparently, 5 years younger than she currently is.  Not bad.  Not bad indeed.  The Kid, well, not so much.   She has the physical dexterity of someone 20 years older.  Uh oh.  But, hey, that’s why we got the damn thing.  But then it was my turn and what was displayed on the screen following my own fitness assessment can only be considered as Super Mario himself coming back to publicly bitch-slap me:



I immediately wanted to throw the balance board through the window.  What does Super Mario know anyway?

Then this damnable Devil box decided to add insult to injury by determining that my “Wii Age” was equal to that of a 46 year old.  Surly it jests!  But then it proceeded to just outright rub my nose in it:

Fuck you, Mario!

Fuck you, Mario!

That punk!  What kind of role model is Mario anyway?  It’s not like he’s the bastion of healthy living is he?  Even Alice of Wonderland fame didn’t chow down on this many ‘shrooms and lotus leaves as Mario.  This dude eats EVERYTHING so who is he to be commenting on my current physical state?  It seems no substance is too foreign for Mario to ingest, as long as there’s a remote possibility of performance enhancement, no matter how fleeting.  Mario is no different than Lance Armstrong in that regard.  Won’t somebody PUH-lease think of the children!  Imagine if someone walked up to a schoolyard tomorrow and said to a bunch of kids, “Dude, this one will make you, like, heavy and this one will make you fast… but the leaf, feather and striped mushroom, brah, those’ll  make you fly, brother.”  He’d be hunted down by Richard Simmons and left hanging from the bleachers.

Furthermore, the fact that Mario has been living on the dole without plumbing a thing in years isn’t very inspirational either, is it?  Unless you consider kicking turtles for sport, or throwing innocent and adorable dinosaurs off cliffs in the name of earning a single coin, what does Mario do exactly to make him such an expert on physical fitness?

So it’s on like Donkey Kong yet again; and not because I have any immediate goal or specific event to prepare for, but that the Wii Fit dared to mock me.  And no computer generated personal trainer, much less an out of work mustachioed plumber has-been, is going to call me fat.  No sir!

  1. Adam Abelson says:

    great read, terry!! my wii fit shows me as a toaster shaped pig. it’s right. except for the toaster part. i’ve graduated to oven, but the wii is being kind.

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