Lance Comes Clean

Posted: January 22, 2013 in In Transition
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It’s no secret that I think Lance Armstrong is a total douche.  Always have; now more than ever.  So you just knew then that, eventually, I would have to weigh in on this whole ‘Lance-stock’ confession business, right?  Sure, I’m probably just rehashing what others have already stated by this point but, hey, better late than never.

First he was going ‘ball out’ (see what I just did there?) to fight the doping charges against him and then, in an unprecedented change of pace, decided to publicly throw his hands in the air and simply give up.  Not that he was admitting anything, of course, but because he was tired of brawling with those bitches at the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, and instead stoically suffer his being stripped of all 7 of his Tour De France titles as well as his Olympic bronze medal.  A few cocky tweets later and a couple of posted pictures of him defiantly lounging around with his yellow jerseys, he continued to maintain that he did not have relations with that syringe full of performance enhancing drugs, but that he was only ending the dope hunt against him because, well, a ho can only take so much I guess.  What a martyr.

This was all surmised in an official statement that he originally posted on his website that will make you want to totally Donna Summer out and pull a tiny disco ball out of your pocket and hold it above your heads while you swish your hips around suggestively and sing out the lyrics, “I can’t go on, I can’t go on no mo noooooo!”

Here’s a piece of that statement:

There comes a point in every man’s life when he has to say, “Enough is enough.” For me, that time is now. I have been dealing with claims that I cheated and had an unfair advantage in winning my seven Tours since 1999. Over the past three years, I have been subjected to a two-year federal criminal investigation followed by Travis Tygart’s unconstitutional witch hunt. The toll this has taken on my family and my work for our foundation and on me leads me to where I am today – finished with this nonsense.

I had hoped that a federal court would stop USADA’s charade. Although the court was sympathetic to my concerns and recognized the many improprieties and deficiencies in USADA’s motives, its conduct, and its process, the court ultimately decided that it could not intervene.

If I thought for one moment that by participating in USADA’s process, I could confront these allegations in a fair setting and – once and for all – put these charges to rest, I would jump at the chance. But I refuse to participate in a process that is so one-sided and unfair. Regardless of what Travis Tygart says, there is zero physical evidence to support his outlandish and heinous claims. The only physical evidence here is the hundreds of controls I have passed with flying colors.

I made myself available around the clock and around the world.   In-competition. Out of competition.  Blood.  Urine. Whatever they asked for I provided. What is the point of all this testing if, in the end, USADA will not stand by it?

Can’t you just feel the sincerity?  Total propaganda bullshit!

Anyway, now he decides that he wants to come clean in an exclusive interview with Oprah and confess his sins after nearly a decade of adamantly denying his involvement during press conferences, interviews and even court appearances; hell, he even went so far to actually sue people who dared to make such allegations of his extended EPO use.  He literally ruined careers over it.  He ruined lives.  He made life absolutely miserable for a lot of people…and for what?  A lie.  So why the sudden change of heart now?  It’s anyone’s guess I suppose and, as he himself suggests, “this is just the beginning of the process”.

So what comes after this heartfelt confession?  What’s the next step in this ‘process’?  Personally, I couldn’t give two shits.  But if there’s one thing I’m confident of, is that there is a particular motive behind the decision that ultimately, will still lead things to end up pretty well for good ‘ol Lance.  If history has taught me anything, it’s that villains and liars will eventually prosper in the long run.  Rest assured Lance will make more moolah off this single lie than most professional athletes will make their entire careers doing things the correct way.  How do I know that?  Well, just look at history.

1.        Bill “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” Clinton.

The former US President made headlines when he was forced to deny having “relations” with his then White house intern Monica Lewinsky.  But as it turns out, Lewinski handed over her semen-stained dress to investigators that ‘ol Billy really did love him some cooter-scented cigars.   Now, Clinton is the author of a best-selling autobiography, plays the sax with jam bands, hob nobs with Nelson Mandela and is ever-popular on the public-speaking circuit.  He is certainly doing alright for himself.

2.        Tiger Woods

Tiger fucked, and then he fucked up.  Yup, Tiger likes him some pussy.  How much? Try about $100 million worth when he admitted to basically bonin’ every porn star and escort out there.  He hasn’t been able to put the ball in the hole… both on or off the course since, though he did make a mini comeback last year and has gained back the popularity he had before all the sex-capades.  Oh, AND, he’s now back together with his original wife.

3.        Kim Kardashian

Sure, she’s “supposedly” made a couple pornos, but she never really admitted to anything about it. No, Kimmy’s admission came when she all but told the entire country that her marriage to NBA baller Kris Humphries was a basically a farce totaling nearly $20 million in sponsorship and endorsement money.  Keeping up with the Kardashian’s sure is hard but, hey, three cheers for the higher ratings.

4.       Kobe Bryant

The Black Mamba had some ‘splainin’ to do after he was found sinking his Black Mamba into a hotel employee while on vacation in Colorado back in 2003 – which was ultimately dismissed – though he did eventually admit his act of adultery to the press.  He was still able to save his marriage to his complete babe of a wife Vanessa, and only had to drop about $8 million on a rare purple diamond ring to do it.  All was eventually forgotten and Kobe got back to dominating on the hardwood and is as popular a player as ever.

5.        Magic Johnson

Arguably, one of the greatest basketball players ever (you could say he was the original Lance Armstrong of basketball) shocked everyone when, in 1991, he abruptly called it quits from the NBA due to him being HIV positive.  The facts later came out that he was more than likely using his johnson for some Magic of another kind with other women while on road trips, so he sadly also found himself falling into one of the athletes who cheated on their wives a la Tiger Woods.  However, the dude has since built for himself a major biz career, and, in 2012, acquired ownership in the Dodgers.

I guess what I’m saying is that, despite his “Worldwide Exclusive” interview on Oprah; Lance is going to do okay.  Sure he’s outed himself, but in the grand scheme of things he still got away with it.  In my opinion, he didn’t even really answer the questions in this candid, “no holds barred”  interview so much as he danced around them anyway.  And even still, he didn’t have any amazing epiphany or anything; he only spoke out when the evidence against him was public, overwhelming, and undeniable.  So you may as well break out your little disco ball and sparkly pants again, as we can now paraphrase and boogie away to another Donna Summer tune, “I got all my life to live and I got all my love to give.  I’ll survive.  I will survive. Hey, heeeeey!”   Some hero!

“HELL yes,”  Lance said when asked if he wanted to return to elite sport, “I’m a competitor.  It’s what I’ve done my whole life.  I love to train.  I love to race.”  Too bad he also loves to shoot up with performance enhancing drugs though.  He’s a cheat.  Remember?  Moreover, he’s a bully and a manipulator.  Yes, he has legitimately won two 70.3 triathlons and it has been understood that he sees Ironman as the best way to make money given his sponsors have deserted him and the Hawaiian World Championship was to be his ultimate end game, but it doesn’t look (knock on wood) like USADA is going to allow that to be a possibility; nor should they in my opinion.   Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!

“I can’t lie to you, I’d love the opportunity to be able to compete, but that isn’t why I’m doing this,”  said Armstrong. “Frankly, this might not be the most popular answer, but I think I deserve it. Maybe not right now, but, if you look at the situation, if you look at the culture, if you look at the sport and see the punishment… As I told you, if I could go back to that time and say, ‘Okay, you’re trading my story for a 6 month suspension,’ that’s what people got. What everybody got.  So I got a death penalty and they got 6 months. I’m not saying that’s unfair necessarily but it’s different.”

Of course it’s different and, in my ever-so-humble opinion, he really does deserve that “Death Sentence”  as he so eloquently put it.  He is very correct in that other athletes admitted to using the same chemical substances in the same races with the same objectives and they are now serving much less severe punishments, but there are many other differences between his situation and those of his former colleagues and teammates.  One major difference between Armstrong’s case and, for example, Floyd Landis’ is that Armstrong copped to the facts on a TV show that USADA and the Department of Justice had uncovered in their extensive investigations.  Landis, while under oath, provided evidence that helped further an investigation.  Armstrong has not provided any additional evidence or testimony that USADA values beyond punishing himself only.  This televised confession alone is not part of a quid-pro-quo deal with the potential to motivate Travis Tygart, CEO of USADA, to reduce his suspension…I hope.  Besides, giving him a couple years suspension simply to train before mounting his big comeback would simply be an unfair advantage to everyone else in the sport who matters and plays by the rules.

However, even if Lance’s career is seemingly over, it’s doubtful he isn’t going ‘away’ per se despite being prohibited from participating in professional sports of any kind, including triathlon.  He says he now plans to focus on raising money for charity.  Oh boy.  So I guess this means then that we can now look forward to seeing him making future guest appearances on ‘Dancing with Celebrity Dopers’  and every other reality shit show, not to mention the latest “Tell All” autobiography which all the Livestrong minions will no doubt eat up to the tune of $49.99 on Amazon because, hey, a check is a check and Lance has to rekindle some of that $75 million Nike deal somehow, right?

Get ready for it, the ‘Lance Express’ is just now leaving the station…

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Comments
  1. Carolyn says:

    You crack me up.

    But, seriously, thanks for the update. I haven’t been following along. Seriously. Baby duty calls.

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