What NOT to Give Your Triathlete for Christmas

Posted: December 12, 2013 in In Transition
Tags: , ,

The Christmas season is once again upon us, and in the past I’ve celebrated by posting gift ideas to get your wannabe triathlete for Christmas morning (Part 1 HERE, Part 2 HERE).  This year, however, I’m taking a decidedly different route.  This post was inspired by another article I read recently entitled ‘9 Worst Gifts for Runners’ – which, I thought, was bang on – so I’ve decided to make my own list of bad gift ideas for triathletes.  Fair enough?

1.  Running Shoes – Yes, this was also first on the aforementioned article but I couldn’t agree more.  Most triathletes and runners that I know of are fanatically loyal to their particular brand of runners.  For example, I live and die by my Mizuno’s.  Simply picking up a pair of running shoes for your triathlete simply because the sales attendant said they were good is not helping us.  Are they specific to fit either a pronator or a supinator?  What are the specs for their arch support?  Do they have suitable tread for trails or road?  What’s the cushioning like?  Don’t know what I’m talking about?  See.  Bad idea.  To quote:  “No.  No.  No.  No.  No.”

2.  A water bottle – Like I don’t have a few of these lying around already.  Unless it’s all blinged out and inlaid with diamonds and jewels or, maybe, belonged to Craig Alexander at one point, forget about it.

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3.  Trail mix or cans of mixed nuts – Seriously?  That’s the best you can think of?  I eat so much nuts and trail mix now I practically shit bird seed.  You might as well add all other food stuffs to this as well since given I practically eat everything in sight now, you needn’t make it any worse.  My waistline will thank you.

4.  Anything with ‘Tap Out’ or ‘Afflicted’ on it – Yes, I spend lots of time at the gym but I am not trying out for the next season of Ultimate Fighter, so I don’t like to look like a hoodlum thanks.  I prefer plain ‘ol boring monochromatic dry-fit shirts please.  Nothing too flashy or that might scare off the person beside me in spin class.

5.  A Jogging Suit – Also in the original article and rightly so.  Sure Rocky ran his infamous 31 Miler back in the 70’s in nothing more than a grey track suit and headband but, well, let’s just say it couldn’t have been too comfortable.  It’s not 1979 anymore and running apparel has changed; for the better I might add.  So unless you’re picturing me lounging around the house a la Tony Soprano, give it a pass at the store.

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6.  A camel back – Again, this isn’t the 80’s.  I thank you for taking my concern for proper hydration into consideration, but really?

7.  Scented body sprays or lotions – I know, I stink.  You don’t have to rub my nose in it.  Maybe a nice gift certificate for the Body Shop might have been the more tactful approach.  Besides, sometimes I’m proud of my hard earned stench and I don’t immediately want to smell like ‘April Rain Storm‘, ‘Cool Metal’  or ‘Black Chill’  (whatever the fuck that is).

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8.  Cotton Socks – You might as well just punch me in the face.  This goes for those gay toe socks as well.

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9.  Whatever this thing is (click HERE).  Nuff said.

10.  Jane Fonda’s, well, anything.  Yes, its fitness related and yoga is definitely good for us and we really should do it more but Jane Fonda is for old grannies.  After you’ve punched me in the face in lieu of giving me cotton socks, just can just give me a swift kick to the junk here instead, mkay?

11.  Anti-Fog for Swim Goggles – An effective anti-fog spray for swim goggles are like the Sasquatch, unicorns and the Lock Ness Monster; i.e. they don’t exist.  It’s a lark.  Avoid the temptation, my spit works just fine.  If the fogging really begins to annoy me I’ll just buy me some Johnson & Johnson’s baby shampoo.

Hopefully, you’ll find this post somewhat helpful in avoiding those Christmas landmine gifts when trying to find that perfect gift for your triathlete.  Hey, you know what we DO love (besides what might already be clearly detailed on our ‘Wish List’)?  Gift certificates.  Your triathlete will thank you – trust me.

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