New Scientific Evidence: Studies Suck!

Posted: February 21, 2014 in Lifestyle
Tags: ,

So mid-foot striking is better, therefore minimalist running is good since heel striking causes injuries, hence bad.  But now studies are showing that foam might, in fact be better, so ‘maximalist’ running is now also good, so minimalist is then bad?  Yeah, let it sink in.  Now its minimalist running that actually causes injuries, so heel striking is now the preferred method.  The same can be said for research studies on ‘distance-per-stroke’ training in the pool.  Good.  Bad.  Who gives a shit?

Good grief.  Studies will prove or disprove just about anything.  Hell, I’m sure if you dug deep enough, you’d probably find evidence that crawling might in fact get you to the finish line quicker.  So in light of all this recent scientific study on the market either proving, or disproving something, I am offering up my own scientific study, in that 80% of people who blindly follow the latest training trend based on “scientific studies”, is only likely to end up with a maxed out credit card while experiencing an increase of 90% more frustration based on injury and lack of performance when it really counts, hence:  fuck studies.  Studies are stupid.

If you want my opinion (not that I’m anybody to give it, mind you), forget about the latest “scientific research” you read in your favorite Running magazine this week and focus less on what’s on your feet and more just being on your feet.  Dig?  Do your drills, work on your form and technique, eat right, stretch but, most importantly, just run dammit!  Or swim, or whatever it is you’re doing.  Forget the stupid toe shoes (they’re gay looking) and gorging yourself on chia seeds (nasty) and focus on what really counts:  getting out and gettin’ er done come wind, rain, sleet, snow, or whatever else the good Lord decides to throw at you.

Whatever the latest trend is, remember that it will more than likely be dis-proven over the next few weeks to months and inevitably be replaced with the next prevalent faux training trend based on some other bullshit study.  It’s a vicious circle and it’s ridiculous. Don’t fall for it, it’s a trap.  It’s a cash grab.  Call it whatever you want, it’s not going to get you to that finish line any quicker.

You know what will?  Running.  Period.

Anyway, why am I so up in “scientific study’s” bid’ness you ask?  Well, I found an intriguing article recently on middle-aged men and running; scary that I can now consider myself as “middle-aged” but, hey, that’s the way the protein bar crumbles I guess.  Anyway, the gist of this article focuses on MAMIL’s (Middle-Aged Men in Lycra) and how new “scientific research” has proven that running significantly put’s them us at a greater risk of cardiac arrest.  Really?  No shit.

So riddle me this:  who funded this think tank exactly?  I mean, seriously, I have a near cardiac arrest every time I leave my front door and with each passing year that risk grows exponentially.  I get it.  I don’t need a “new study” to tell me that.

Anyway, the apparent concern now is that more and more couch potatoes’ are exchanging their television remote controls for running shoes and hitting the open road.  I am certainly one of these individuals as it was only a short 5 years ago that I decided to make a drastic change in my own life for the better.  Little did I know this was apparently a bad idea.  But, hey, maybe it’s because we’ve become concerned with the recent results of any number of other scientific studies that told us living sedentary lives is also bad for us.  So if we try to change ourselves and get healthy by getting active (i.e. running) we die, but if we don’t…we die.  Awesome.

But, really, shouldn’t we be happy we’ve gotten the wake-up call and taken up a new healthy lifestyle instead of ordering another order of fries or polishing off another bag of Ring-Ding’s in front of the game?  I think so.  Fuck the study!

Apparently this recent influx of active middle-agers as a result of receiving negative reports of high-cholesterol, or blood pressure, or whatever, has also significantly increased the number of incidents of ‘atrial fibrillation’ (heart attacks) in recent years.  Yeah?  It was coming anyway, so who cares?  Are they trying to suggest we choose not to be active?  I’m confused.

The other concern is that this increase in activity among MAMIL’s also means we’re more prone to negative effects on our joints, hips, knees, back, etc.  Likewise, we’re at risk of tearing, stretching and scaring our muscle tissue.  Clearly these researchers have never heard of the concept of “No Pain, No Gain”.

Hey, smarty pants…it’s called AGING.  Genius.

Commonly accepted studies say that by the time we hit our 40’s we start to loose muscle and gain fat, not to mention that our bone density decreases making us more apt to injury and soreness.  Hey, again, tell me something I don’t know.  This doesn’t mean though that we’re just going to throw in the towel, check into the nearest Retirement Village and wait for the Reaper to come harvest our bodies.  Hell no!  So to this study’s notion of “take it easy”, I say ‘go fuck yourself’.  Do not quietly into that dark night…or something like that anyway.  As it is, I’ve we’ve wasted enough time in our lives making bad lifestyle decisions so, personally, I’m not wasting another moment.  If that means carrying on with my swimming, biking and running puts me at more of risk, then so be it.  I mean, it’s no worse than doing something really stupid like buying a motorcycle or taking up sky-diving, rock-climbing, base-jumping, or something equally outrageous is it?  I think not.

Truth be told, I do understand what the point of this research is trying to point out (albeit in a roundabout, morbid, sensationalist kind of way), that we MAMIL’s should enter into our newfound active lifestyles cautiously and strategically, instead of just throwing on a pair of old sweatpants and going for a 10k jog, or go balls out on a treadmill for an hour.  So maybe this study could have forgone all the scientific horseshit and just stated the obvious?  Duh.

But think of it this way, other studies have shown that a regular and well-structured exercise program does significantly improve health (heart, weight, blood pressure, et al.), not to mention boosting one’s sexual libido.  So if risking a massive coronary periodically while out running also means that there’s a very good chance that I’ll grow old and happy while banging my partner well into my 90’s then, hey, it’s a no-brainer in my opinion.  Scientific studies be damned!  That’s a risk worth making, right?  What’s the alternative?  Living a long, useless, unhealthy and largely celibate life?

This MAMIL will risk an early heart attack thanks.

Oh, and a member of this crack scientific research team has also recommended that if you should experience any extreme discomfort while out exercising to get it checked out immediately.  Honestly, who signs these guys paychecks?  Personally, I subscribe to the scientific study that shows that an increased number of heart attacks among idiots like the ones described above is 100% guarantee to also result with my placing higher in my age group classification in my future events.  And you can take that to the bank.


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