2014 Gym J. Bollock Award

Posted: February 26, 2014 in Gym
Tags: ,

Now that we’re now head long into the off-season training season, many of us are spending more time at the gym. Well, I am anyway.  When the nicer spring weather arrives around April or May, I’ll more than likely bid a fond farewell to the indoors altogether and remote training outside 100% but, for now, a little indoors is inevitable given it’s shitty outside.  I still run outside despite the often sub-zero temperatures, blinding wind and snow, crippling ice, etc., but fat fucking chance I’m ever going to ride or swim out in that shit.  Likewise, this is also the time to focus on building strength and form, on the mat, with the weights, in a yoga class, or whatever your poison happens to be in regards to off-season conditioning.  Me?  I do a lot of functional strength and core routines among other things.

From the comforts of my mat in the corner I can plank, crunch, clam, squat, push-up, or whatever the fuck it is that my daily routine happens to call for in peace. There’s seldom a need to fight the masses for pieces of equipment as I am my own weight.  All I need is me.  How simple is that?  It’s beautiful.

The other benefit of these indoor workouts is that they give me time to observe others.  I’m a devout people-watcher and, believe me, the gym provides ample people watching opportunities.  At times, it seems it’s the very vortex from which all human stupidity emanates.  Lord knows I’ve seen my fair of stupid people doing some pretty stupid stuff.  So this post then was created for the purpose of exposing, mocking and belittling such gym buffoonery with my own special award, the ‘Gym J. Bollock Stupid Gym Moment Award’…and, no, I don’t mean this guy (click HERE).

So here is my first recipient; definitely one for the ages:

“Hey, stop objectifying me!”

You know how the pretty girls tend to bitch about being objectified and ogled at the gym during their workout?  “Stop leering at me!”,Quit being so pervy!”, “Why can’t I just workout in peace?”, and so forth?  Well, forget for the moment that they’re usually wearing next to nothing; it’s our fault for being drawn to the elephant in the room.  Men are pigs, right?  Or something to that effect anyway.  C’mon, they probably have a face full of make-up, their hair is impeccably done, and they will be dressed in only top of the line designer clothing that shows off every forbidden clef and curve.  Furthermore, they typically stop to strike a pose in the mirror, like, every two seconds just to make sure everything is just so and, yet, we’re NOT supposed to notice them?  Get bent.  Anyway, one of these ‘pretty girls’ the other night decided that she would tempt fate by performing a complex routine of splits and folds that clearly demonstrated her feminine flexibility and apparent double-jointedness, like, directly in front of a row of meatheads, like, three feet in front of their faces.  Poor bastards never knew what hit them.  And then after a few ‘innocent’ glances over her shoulder, she huffed when she happened to catch one of the guilty offenders checking out her ass…you know, that one positioned squarely in their faces.

Really, honey?  You had an entire gym complete with private studios, mezzanine, etc., to bend, twist, shimmy and bounce in your yoga pants until your heart was content, so why then did you choose to do it directly in front of the big muscle guys?  Can they help it if you’re going to throw a short range crotch shot in their immediate direction?  What did you expect was going to be their reaction?  Seriously?  They’re not blind (I won’t vouch for their intelligence, but they’re definitely not blind).  I say that’s exactly what you wanted to happen, so suck it up buttercup.  Anyone not wanting to be noticed or objectified tends to have a bit more common sense.  If I walked into the gym in a mini leotard and halter top and proceeded to do the splits directly in front of you, would you pay me no mind?  I doubt it.  Of course, you might throw up a little, but that’s entirely beside the point.

Oh and by the way, what does performing the splits have to do with working out anyway?  It’s only cool when Jean Claude Van Damme does and, even then, only barely.

Anyway, after she huffed off she heads in my direction and retires herself to the area of the gym intended for mat routines (such as what I was doing).  But not anywhere secluded to maybe where she wouldn’t be leered at by all us pigs, oh no!  Instead, she positions herself directly in immediate view of anyone who should happen to walk past which was, like, everyone.  But then it gets better?  Does she workout?  Oh heck no.  What does she do?  Why lay there and take selfies of her boobs.  Yeah, so much for being a delicate flower, huh?

You can’t fool me, you’re a gym Flirt.

So congratulations darling, you just won my inaugural ‘Gym J. Bollock Stupid Gym Moment Award’.  Perhaps if you were so sensitive to the glances of others you might exercise a bit more decorum, oh, and hey, not that your boobs aren’t all perky n’ stuff, but let’s leave the boudoir shots for when you get home, kay?  I know your ‘Plenty of Fish’ page needs updating every once and a while but, seriously, the gym is not the appropriate place to update your portfolio, particularly if you don’t want to be noticed.  It’s a place to work out.  Dig?

Oh, and personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass about your boobs or Lululemon yoga pants.  You’re just blocking my view of everyone else and determining next months’ award candidates.  And one more thing, just because you only laid there for a few minutes snapping boob shots and not, like, working out or anything, could you still wipe the mat down when you’re done?  That’s simply ‘Gym Etiquette 101‘.


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