For the Triathlete That Has Everything (Part 3)

Posted: October 13, 2014 in In Transition
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With just over two months left to go until Christmas, some of you might already be thinking about what to get for that picky, hard-to-shop, harder-to-please triathlete you always struggle to shop for. Fortunately for you, I have also been spending a lot of time traveling on business lately, so that means lots of time spent flipping mindlessly through the Delta Sky magazines on the various flights to and from San Antonio and Denver. So in an effort to provide you with some cool holiday gift options, I decided to once again collect a few unique gift ideas for you to consider for the triathlete that has everything (Part One and Two) in your life.


One of the tips that some veterans offer novice triathletes is to mark their spot in transition with something easily identifiable like a piece of ribbon, a uniquely colored towel or even a balloon (although things this extreme are typically disallowed now). So, I say go big or go home and mark your spot in transition with this huge two story inflatable reindeer. With its underbelly only 6 1/4 ft. off the ground, you’re not likely going to miss this inflated colossus out of the water – shit, nobody is. Just position it directly over your bike and run gear and you can probably sight your way back to your specific transition spot from the actual start way out on the swim course. You’d have to be blind to miss it; a steal at only $379.95.


The off season is all about strength conditioning and developing your core. Likewise, it’s the time to try something different and cross-training with something fun aside from the usual swim, bike and run drills. Why not do it all with this Human Bowling Ball and inflatable course? Consider it an investment in your off season fitness development.

Snowball Launcher

Winter is almost here and that means lots of long, brutal winter runs. Oh joy. Furthermore, if your triathlete lives in a rural setting like I do then they do might have to worry about Coywolves. Yes, they’re really a thing (click HERE). Then there’s dogs to worry about (click HERE), so what it all means is that it might be wise then to consider arming ourselves for these runs with a 50 ft. snowball launcher to prevent our becoming their next moveable feast.


I’m not sure this huge inflatable air shark will help with your triathlete with their swim development in the off season, but it will definitely be damn funny to show up with this thing at their next open water group swim. Or, perhaps just keep it to yourself and place it in the water during one workout (or race) without their knowing and help motivate them to their next swim PB. I’m sure they’ll thank you afterwards.

Glove Phone

It’s already documented that I don’t bring one with me when I run. In fact, I don’t even own a cell phone, but I know that most others do so how about this special pair of ‘Call Me Gloves’? This unique product will allow your runner to call for help should they need it by assuming the universal ‘call me’ gesture, having a speaker inside the left thumb and a microphone on the inside of the left pinkie. Sure it may not be cool that they have to call you to come rescue their sorry ass, but at least they’ll look cool doing it.


Breakfast is the most important part of the day, particularly when you have to fuel for a long morning workout and in that regard, many triathletes rely on the tried-and-true peanut butter toast formula, including yours truly. So just imagine how awesome that workout will inevitably be when they start off with a piece of toast from this Darth Vader toaster. The force will definitely be with them, that’s for sure!

Bike Rack

Some triathletes will spend big money on a hydration system for their bikes, so think of how excited they’ll be Christmas morning when they open this special leather beer caddy. Crafted by artisans in Wisconsin, this caddy carries a six pack of bottles perfectly under the top tube on their bike. Simply perfect for a quick run to the liquor store, or for a long summer ride where they might want something other than water or performance drinks.

Face Mask

I don’t know about anyone else, but I hate my finisher’s photos. I look like an orangutan in the throes of a full on cardiac arrest and I suspect I’m not alone. I can’t be the only one out there who hates being photographed at the end so how perfect is this: the Paparazzi Thwarting Visor? Just throw it on in T2 or have it handed to you somewhere on the race course and no more will you (or your triathlete) ever be subjected to embarrassing finisher’s photos with this reflective visor that blocks the entire face from race photographers, or the paparazzi for that matter.


Transition is often a zoo and just getting to your spot is sometimes like running a gauntlet of slow ass triathletes all trying to figure out how to get out of their wetsuit and into their bike or run gear. Sometimes it’s just people running around lost panicking (been there!). Whatever is going on, it’s a pain in the ass to clear your way and move through these human obstacles. So why not clear the way with this remote controlled tarantula? Just loose this hairy, menacing looking robotic arachnid loose and scare the living bejesus out of those who happened to be getting in your way; clear the path to your transition spot so to speak. I’m a genius, right?

Sleep Helmet

It’s all about recovery now in the off season and sleeping is at a premium. Even many pro triathletes swear by taking regular power naps throughout the day to rest and recharge between workouts. So how about making an investment this holiday into your triathlete’s recovery with this head-enveloping pillow that blocks out both noise and light? Sure they might look like a Teletubbie, or a complete moolyak but, hey, who’ll be laughing come next competition season given that they’ve also spend more hours in a comfortable cocoon-like state of total relaxation than anyone else? No one, that’s who!

Give me a few more weeks closer to the holidays and I’ll search out even more gift ideas to supercharge your shopping trips to mall and, thereby, elevate your Christmas morning to a total state of complete holiday-triathlon awesomeness.

You can thank me later.


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