For the Triathlete That Has Everything (Part 4)

Posted: December 1, 2014 in In Transition
Tags: ,

I promised you (click HERE) I would return with more unique Christmas shopping ideas for your triathlete and, true to my word, I’m back and here they are:

Circle Bike

It’s safe to say that all triathletes will experience “bike envy” from time to time, so who wouldn’t want to be seen rolling up in this $13,000 badass motorized monocycle? C’mon, they’d inevitably feel like General Grievous riding up on Obi-Wan Kenobi in ‘Revenge of the Sith’ (click HERE) and who wouldn’t to feel that fucking cool showing up to a triathlon on one of these things? This would earn you more than enough style points for the year, believe me.

Fit Desk

Work is a necessary evil sometimes but that doesn’t also necessarily mean you have to sacrifice your workouts either while you’re chained to your desk. No, sir! Not with this amazing ‘FitDesk’, a healthy alternative to a traditional desk and chair which combines a lightweight folding exercise bike and sliding desk platform you can use with a laptop, book, or whatever it is you happen to working on to pay the bills (like your next monthly credit card statement, for example). Nope. Now you can be reaping the cardiovascular benefits of a spin class while you’re working on your next PowerPoint presentation.

Potato Chips

If your triathlete is anything like me, they compete to eat. In other words, what’s the point of working out if you also can’t enjoy the culinary benefits of, say, potato chips? A life without potato chips isn’t a world worth living after all, so just imagine the look of pure excitement when they discover this ‘Healthiest Potato Chip Maker’ under the tree Christmas morning. Now your triathlete can indulge in their salty pleasure guilt free knowing their post-workout treat also has a reduced fat content and less calories than the typical store bought variety. You’ll instantly be elevated to a Saint status in their eyes – trust me.

Ear Warmer

Winter is practically on our doorstep and along with it, the cold, potential hypothermia and, of course, frostbite, so a pair of ‘Insulated Ear Warmer Headphones’ would be a very welcome piece of equipment in your triathlete’s cold weather arsenal. Sure, it means having electronic equipment situated right next to your brain pan but, hey, you also get to listen music and talk on your cell phone without also having to expose yourself to the subzero temperatures during their long runs. I mean, the fact that they’re running long through the brutal winter chill in the first place means they already have a screw loose somewhere, so it’s not like a few more missing brain cells is going to cost them a Pulitzer at this point, is it?

Cold Mask

And speaking of winter runs, there’s nothing worse that frostbite to the face so I anticipate that this ‘Subzero Warm Breath Mask’ will also be well-received under the Christmas tree as well. This fleece mask preferred by high-altitude mountaineers and Antarctic scientists because it humidifies and warms winter air for comfortable breathing. Plus, it kinda makes them look like Bain from ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ (click HERE), so there is definitely an added cool factor involved as well.


No doubt, your triathlete will inevitably spend more than a few hours at home spinning endlessly on their trainer so why not add an element of fun t these sessions with the ‘Self Balancing Electric Unicycle’. Yes, this briefcase-sized electric unicycle is bound to provide hours of fun in the off season by keeping your triathlete perfectly balanced at all times with the use of gyroscopic sensors. Yeah, that’s right, gyroscopic sensors…what triathlete wouldn’t dig on that?

Boom Box

Prior to competition, many triathletes will try to ‘pump’ themselves up with whatever inspirational music jacks them up. Shit, most triathlon transition knapsacks come with a special rubberized slot through which to feed your iPod headphone cord just for this purpose. But why limit yourself to just your iPod? Why not roll into transition in complete style with this ‘Mobile Blastmaster’? Built onto a steel chassis that rolls on four 10” diameter pneumatic tires, your triathlete can simply pull this portable party by its wagon handle directly into transition with them. Coolness will inevitable ensue.

Bike Lane

Bike lanes are big (and important) issue amongst cyclists; and for good reason too. So how perfect is this: the ‘Cyclists Virtual Safety Lane’? This amazing device mounts onto any bicycle’s seat post and projects two 5-milliwat red lasers onto the ground; and BAM!, instant bike lane that provides motorists with a visual indicator of your cyclist’s presence. Think of it as an investment in your triathlete’s safety.

Shoe Rack

Personally, I find transition confusing as fuck what with all the pairs of shoes, race belt, assorted swim and bike shit, nutrition, etc. and I will inevitably miss something crucial. Never fails. I’m sure I’m not alone. But image being able to compartmentalize all your triathlon shit in transition and keep things organized with this ‘Configurable Cubic Shoe Rack’. Able to store up to 32 pairs of shoes, this rack provides more than enough space to store all your necessary swim, bike and run equipment. No more will they ever misplace or forget anything important and, thereby, end up with the perfect race experience.

Strength Reel

Triathlete’s are always looking for the perfect strength-building plan in the off season, the ‘ideal workout’ if you will. And not since the Tug Toner has there been a perfectly adaptable handheld aerobic workout for the upper body than this ‘Upper Body Aerobic Exerciser’. Endorsed by the American Physical Therapy Association (yes, there’s such a thing) for its portability and adaptability, it promotes strength, increased endurance (important in the swim), an increased calorie burn rate, and the ability to reel in the clean laundry from the clothes line in breakneck speed. Consider it a win-win for everybody.

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