On the Virtues of the “Dad Bod”

Posted: May 25, 2015 in Lifestyle
Tags: ,

It’s a good day indeed; especially if you’re a fat guy like me.  Yesiree, Bob!

It’s a good day because suddenly, being of a larger and, shall we say, chunkier body size is sexy.  That’s right – Sexy.  Gone are the six-packs abs and, suddenly, it’s just the six-pack as God intended it to be.  Beer, that is.

You see, the “Dad Bod” is now officially “In”.

That’s right, with a capital-fuckin-‘I’, bitches.

You literally can’t access the Internet these days without seeing pictures of fat dudes everywhere.  The Internet is literally saturated with them…saturated with saturated fat that it.  The Dad Bod represents only the latest trend for male physiques.  Fat.  Yes, biceps are out and belly bellies are back in. It’s a physique that looks like a formerly fit athlete has gone a bit to seed and grown a nice layer of protective fat around his muscular girth.  He’s less Muscle & Fitness than he is Ben & Jerry’s.

Yes, thanks to Clemson University’s Mackenzie Pearson (click HERE), the “Dad Bod” is the newest body trend…for dudes.  Basically, it’s a delicate tightrope balance between working out and a beer gut.

According to Mackenzie, the Dad Bod says:

“I go to the gym occasionally, but I also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time.”

Well, isn’t that just swell.  It’s the new “IDGAF” attitude and, presto!, I’m now being compared now to Leonardo DiCaprio.  And not the retarded one in ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?‘  either (click HERE), but the fat bearded one (click HERE) who, through whatever means, still manages to date super models.

Just…freakin’…excellent.

I should be excited, right?  After all, I have a body that resembles, say, a melting ice cream cone and, suddenly, it’s considered as desirable.  I should be happy, shouldn’t I?  Maybe I can start skipping the odd workout to maintain my imminent bloated and sexy manliness.  Hell, if I have a “Dad Bod” now after all these years of triathlon horseshit, what I had before would have made me the T-Rex of all Dad Bod’s.

What was I thinking?

Just think of all the money I could have saved on gym memberships and race entrance fees over the years had I know all this time that fat would eventually come full circle to be sexy once again?  Never mind that whole gluten free madness (click HERE).

Take this guy for example:

Ever think he was concerned about gluten free?  This was considered hot; Hawt, even.  Henry was known as being a real athlete back in the day and ended up having over six different wives at different points in his life, not to mention countless affairs with other women dignitaries of the time.  Sure, they all eventually ended up headless but, no doubt, it was just a necessary reaction to stem the flow of hot, desirable women throwing themselves at his desirable “Dad Bod”.

Fuck me.

And how about this guy:

Shit, despite his deep love and affinity for deep-fried peanut butter sandwiches, Elvis still maintains a cult following of people who thought of him at the sexiest thing to ever move on God’s green earth.  And let me tell you, the only spare tire Elvis ever dragged around was the one around his waist (click HERE).

So how did this whole fat trend come about anyway?

Well, apparently, if you are to believe Ms. Pearson’s article, it has less to do with a changing of fashionable sexual stereotypes then it does with women just being insecure.  They want to feel “pretty” and be the “center of attention”, so being seen next to a guy who looks like a clay sculpture that’s been left out in the sun is the way to achieve that feeling of self worth.

Umm, really?

Is that why Kelly hooked up with me?

C’mon, seriously?

Shoot.  Me.  Now.

So, basically, twenty-something dudes are now sitting around drinking $4 pitches on a Friday night instead of hitting the gym or, god forbid, running/cycling/swimming.  Dammit!  When was somebody going to send me the memo?  And here I’ve been wasting all my time in actually trying to lose  weight.

What an idiot.

But you know what?  Maybe I’m actually looking at this thing all wrong.

Upon closer reflection, I’m actually okay with all the young dudes sitting around getting fat and lazy.  In fact, you guys keep doing that.  Have another beer.  Shit, make it a double.  Biggie-Size your fries and add extra bacon to your burger while you’re at it.  Pass on the chicken breasts and egg-white omelets; milk it for all it’s worth, kids.  And while you’re doing that, I’ll keep running my intervals, working on my swim technique, cycling my hill repeats and continuing my quest to get all thin and – apparently – “unsexy”.

I guess that makes me the “Dad Bod” in reverse seeing as how I’ve worked hard just to get to this point.  Kinda like the Reverse Flash, only fatter and in banana yellow track pants as opposed to leotard. Providing this trend keeps up, maybe I just might actually have a chance at successfully accomplishing this whole Kona thing.  After all, when it comes to a battle of the fat guys at the starting line of any Ironman or triathlon, I might just have a fighting chance.  If not, I always have a promising future in competitive eating.

So bulk up boys and make your prissy princess girlfriends happy.  I’ll see you on the starting line…or not.

Either way, I’m liking my new-found chances.

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