What NOT to Give Your Triathlete for Christmas (Part 2)

Posted: December 23, 2018 in In Transition, Uncategorized
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In past years I have made the traditional ‘For the Triathlete Who Has Everything’ (1, 2, 3 and 4) post to offer up helpful and exciting gift ideas for your triathlete.  Other times I give more, shall we say, “thrifty” ideas on what to get your triathlete for Christmas (HERE and HERE) and on one occasion I went all miserly and posted about what NOT to get your triathlete for Christmas (click HERE).  This year, I’m going back to the miserly bit but not because I don’t want anything, per se, but because I don’t actually need anything.

Well, nothing that I would ever trusts anyone else to shop for but me – and even then, barely me.

I suppose then that that makes this post the sequel for ‘What NOT to Give Your Triathlete for Christmas’ … just in case, you know, you were still feeling any pressure.

  1. A dog/puppy

I get it:  everybody is at some point in their lives in love with the idea of getting a dog.  We pride our own family on being adopters and rescuers of needy cats but even still, HRH will stare lovingly at the puppies in the display pen windows should we pass a pet store.  They will even try to justify this desire of theirs as being a good idea for dear old dad (or mom) since, hey, you know, we like to run and all.  And what a better Christmas present than getting  me a loyal running companion for all those long lonely winter runs?

I call bullshit.

First of all, have you ever tried running with a dog on a leash?  How about having to stop in the middle of intervals to scoop up steaming dog shit?  Sounds like a real giggle, right?  How about when said dog spots a squirrel running in the opposite direction on the other side of the street and you suddenly find yourself being dragged ass over tea kettle across the road through traffic?  No?

Me neither and I aim to keep it that way thank you very much!

Secondly, just because I might be a glutton for punishment doesn’t the poor dog is going to have the same affiliation for minus zero temperatures and icy roadways so, unless you’re going to heartlessly shove poor Fido out the door despite his hesitation, let’s face it – I’ll end up running alone anyway while Fido instead occupies my warm spot in the bed.

  1. Tickets to any show after 8:00pm

Are you fucking kidding me?  These people do know we have to be in the pool for 4:30am, right?

Therefore we don’t function very well at night so, yeah, no thanks!

  1. Bike decals

Just don’t.

  1. Protein powder

I know, I know, its “good for me” and, yes, I do enjoy protein smoothies and stuff from time to time but, by now, I am pretty partial to my own blend and unique recipes so, yeah, cheers!  And if anyone buys me any of that Walmart brand cricket protein shit because it’s all trendy now, I swear, I will come over to your house and slash your car tires.  This does not only prove that you don’t give two shits about me, but that you’re also a tightwad and where I usually appreciate a good sense of fiscal frugality, it’s Christmas for fuck sakes!

How about not totally cheaping out on the cricket powder?

  1. A race registration

Definitely do not sign me up for anything specific.

I repeat:  DO NOT SIGN ME UP FOR ANYTHING SPECIFIC.

By this I mean, do not register and otherwise financially commit me to something that is not a triathlon event.

I am not interested in doing a Tough Mudder, Spartan Race, or – God forbid – a Zombie Run so, please, do not commit me to anything outside my own anticipated training and race schedule lest you want me to take a dump in the front seat of your car after I slash your tires.

Now, if you’re offering to pay for something I’m already going to sign up for. well, that’s entirely different and God bless you sir.

  1. Body Glide

‘Why not?’ you might ask yourself; after all, I do use and can always use more of the stuff.  But consider this, would you ever in a million years consider giving your wife a mop for Christmas?  Fuck no!  After you dodged the inevitable barrage of pots and pans, you’d be presented with a stern lecture that equates to what Moses must have received at the very top of Mount Sinai, on how a mop is an “inappropriate” gift to give for Christmas.  Now how about giving her, oh say, a douche?

Definitely a hard ‘No’, right?

So how then you do you think I’m going to fucking feel then when you give me a tube of lube for my balls?

  1. A Crossfit membership

Why don’t you just do the humane thing and take me out behind the shed and shoot.

  1. A CD of anything

Yes, it’s true, I spend inordinate amounts of time listening to music when I swim, spin, lift weights and what have you, but still, please do not get me that ‘Hot Party Tunes Vol. 18’ or ’The Greatest Kick Ass Songs of 2014’.  I will not use them for my next spin class and, besides, who the fuck plays CD’s anymore anyways?

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