50 Shades of Awesome

I alluded to it once before in another post and, where some people definitely say there’s some valid merit to it, I’m not as immediately confident.  To what exactly am I referring to you ask?  Why, makin’ whoopee the night before a big race of course!  C’mon, you just knew I was going to bring it up sooner or later!  It’s hasn’t exactly been an issue for me in the past being single n’ all but, lately, it’s, well, let’s just say it’s crossed my mind.

Call it what you want: boink, boff, bang, bonk, hump, bump fuzzies, get busy, butter your muffin, sow your oats, dance the horizontal hula, hide the sausage, knock boots, lay pipe, do the nasty, ride the baloney pony, make the beast with two backs, park your flesh yacht in hair harbor, take the skin boat to Tunatown, whatever you choose to call it, will it actually detract from your overall race day performance?  I mean, Rocky didn’t do it no matter how many ‘fuck me’  eyes Adrian threw his way and he whipped Clubber Lang’s ass, nor did Mohammed Ali ever consider such monkey business before a big fight.  Even Plato Even said that Olympians should avoid sex before competition so there has to be something to it right?  You’re not going to dispute Plato for Christ sake, are you?  After all, you’re supposed to be hydrating and getting a good nights’ sleep and not much else the day before, so why would anyone else give a second thought?

As it turns out, while there are a lot of opinions out there there’s not really a lot of scientific fact.  Firstly, though, let’s make something perfectly clear: when I first Googled ‘Sex and Triathlon’ I promptly discovered that ‘triathlon’ itself, is also listed in the Urban Dictionary with a totally different meaning:

Any night of sexual activity consisting of the entire trifecta of penetrating sexual acts; the official order consists of oral, vaginal, and finally anal sex.  However, if used as “we might as well have pulled a triathlon” it’s understood the acts were there, but not the order.

Okay, that’s so not what I mean.  You can indulge in whatever form of ‘whoopee’ you like, frankly, that’s between you, your partner and God, what I’m referring to is whether or not the actual deed itself – in whatever perverted form it may take – will enhance or inhibit your performance on the race course afterwards.  Clear enough?  Okay, let’s proceed.

The general myth that bedtime sex before the big event can severely hurt or hinder one’s race day performance is just that — a myth.  In four separate studies testing strength, aerobic power, and VO2 max, neither abstinent nor sexually active athletes seemed to have an advantage, suggesting that sex doesn’t get in the way of performing up to par.  However, the studies have shortcomings too.  The physiological effects studied only looked at how sex affects exhausting activities, so maybe golfers or pro bowlers wouldn’t experience the same results.  But I’m no Lee Trevino nor am I looking to throw a 7-10 split, I’m looking to swim, bike and run my ass off and if I can take a page out of ’50 Shades of Grey’  in the process of accomplishing it all, so much the better!

So the good news keeps a’ coming: research actually suggests that having sex literally boosts testosterone production in men, which could  give us guys an athletic edge.  Well slap my ass and call me Judy, that’s freakin’ awesome!  One study even found that testosterone (which is released during orgasm) helped strengthen muscles and leg power — but the subjects got their testosterone boost from a supplement, not  by doing the deed.  Still, other researchers have found that having sex increases testosterone too, so it can’t really hurt to try can it? Hells no!  Look at it this way:  an average sex session burns 25 to 50 calories, the equivalent of climbing two flights of stairs.  Shit, that’s not even a 1k jog to the corner store mailbox and back.  Oh, and let’s not leave out the ladies, who may have the full-court advantage when it comes to gettin’ busy.  Scientists discovered that a female orgasm could stop the release of a specific pain transmitter (neuropeptide substance P) for up to 24 hours, which may help ease muscle pain or soreness.  Basically, the released chemicals will decrease overall muscle tension that an athlete might be experiencing which may allow her to engage in physical activity at a higher, more intense level.  How awesome is that?  With those finding, who can afford not to get down for some ‘business time’ the night before their big event?

Other myths would indicate that sex might disturb the mental game.  Sadly, when it comes to the psychological  effects of sex and how it could help make or break athletic performance, the research is, unfortunately, lacking.  However, there has been one study where researchers gave both endurance athletes and weight lifters a series of concentration and athletic tests after intercourse and found that having sex beforehand didn’t mess with concentration.  But heads up you freaks, the study also found that having sex within two hours of the test made the subjects less attentive.  So maybe stick to cuddling and hydrating the morning of!

Personally, I’m usually looking for any reason to get my mind off the next day’s race and quit obsessing about it ad nauseum and what better way to do that than orgasm after screaming orgasm?  Know what I’m not thinking about mid-coital?  Everything else, that’s what!  Believe me, there will be lots of time to return to your pre-race strategizing after you get your rocks off.  And you’ll probably feel more focused and invigorated.  And as far as keeping you awake is concerned…total horseshit!  Whoever thought that sure hasn’t been getting’ any recently, because I typically sleep pretty well afterwards largely thanks to the chemical cocktail that was just released into my system after I had my orgasm.

So how is this budding triathlon wannabe spending his downtime leading up to Ironman Wales?  Why, getting’ my freak on, that’s how!  Brace yourself, honey, and prepare to have your world rocked as Daddy’s got himself a big race to get ready for!

However, in case there are still some doubters out there, here’s a little something else for you to chew on: